My False Truth

              

Over the past few days my wonderful sister Michal has been writing in her blog about the false truths we are programmed into believing by simply living life in a world consumed by sin. Tonight I would like to share my view on the subject, and a false truth I seem to have bought into that has lead to a battle with depression over the past few months. It starts something like this… what do you want to be when you grow up? I am almost certain that every person in America over the age of 5 has been asked this question at least once in their life. Its part of society; when you grow up you get a job. People go to school for years to get education for their desired career, they work their lives away to achieve “success”, they prioritize time based on work schedules and many even find their identity in what they do. But to be completely honest at the age of 22 I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up, and that’s where this battle begins. My false truth tells me that there is something wrong with me because I don’t know what I want my career to be, but that’s all it is, a false truth. The purpose of life is not to grow up and get a job, in Matthew 16 Jesus tells us that he who finds his life will lose it and he who loses his life for My sake will find it, it’s a verse I keep going back to over and over again, its where I find my true purpose. The life Jesus is first referring to is the one made up of the false truths the world tells us, when we are able to lose that life to Him, He can then open our eyes to the truth of our real life in Him. Because life is not about success, gaining things or having the right job, life is about walking in relationship with God; the Creator of the world, His Son Jesus Christ and His Spirit; the Spirit of truth. When we turn our eyes from seeking the truths of the world and begin to seek the true truth of God, when we lose our life to His purposes, we can then find our life, our identity in Him and not what we have or what we do, and that is a truth I wouldn’t mind believing.

That’s How I Feel Sometimes

I’m a terrible, horrible, really bad person, or at least that’s how I feel sometimes. I really don’t like people… okay that not completely true; but people in general annoy me, and the ones that I do like I get jealous of for stupid reasons, like I said terrible, horrible really bad person, or maybe I’m just mopey. So where do I start, in all honesty I don’t want this blog to just be a whole lot of me complaining about my life, and maybe that’s part of the problem; I know that doesn’t make a lot of sense so I’ll try and explain. I’ve been feeling depressed lately, but I don’t want a blog full of my mopeyness, so instead I haven’t been writing anything at all which leads me to not processing any of my thoughts and then feeling more depressed because I don’t know what I’m thinking. So tonight might be a lot of rambling, or me being a terrible person, I’m not quite sure but that’s why I need to write.

 

The last time I wrote from my heart with no real direction in mind was about a month ago; I talked about the wall I’ve been building between me and the rest of the world. There are times now when it’s better, I can still feel the wall and I know its there but it’s almost as if there’s a window and I can see through it or even reach through it and get past the wall, but more often than not, I feel as if I’m just shutting down, that rather than reach through or try to climb the wall I would just like be alone and not have to deal with the people on the other side, and I know that’s a horrible way to feel, but that’s why I’m processing. You see I messed up somewhere. What comes to mind is the part in Prince Caspian when Lucy sees Aslan on the ridge, she tries to tell everyone that they need to follow him, but when they all agree to go the other way she gives up and goes with them, then later after they had to turn around and go back and Lucy sees him again and talks to him he says she now needs to go and wake everyone up and follow him and even if no one else comes she still needs to. Her task is harder now because she didn’t listen the first time, she could have gone without the others when she first saw Aslan and when she realizes this she starts to ask what would have happened and Aslans response is that no one is ever told what would, have happened. That’s kind of how I feel right now; I saw God standing somewhere in front of me and walked in the wrong direction anyway. A month ago I saw a wall starting to be built and I knew God wanted me to walk past it and follow Him to the other side, but instead I just let it grow bigger, made a blueprint with windows so if I really wanted to I could still touch the outside world, but now I’m not happy with the windows. And now instead of walking over a wall just beginning to be built I need to break it down completely. Then once its broken down I’m back to square one with living with people, only now there is that distance left over from the wall which makes everything that much harder, and I’ll never know just how different things might have been if I had listened the first time. So, with all that being said, thank you for dealing with my mopeyness and if you would, please pray for me, processing my thoughts really helped but now I need to break down a wall and possibly mend a few relationships, and I know God is with me, but I still feel like a terrible, horrible, really bad person sometimes and I’m not sure where exactly I need to start this next task

So Maybe

So maybe I'm indecisive, or to influenced by what other people think; for I did take the comments of others into consideration, but as you can tell I've decided to once again change the title on this page we call a blog. The new title I believe to be better than both the first and second attempts, it is in reality as I'm sure you've guessed a combination of the two, spotlighting the light I wish to shine as a writer and, bringing life back into the moments I long to experience and not just simply live through. I do believe this one will stick and even though I may have changed my mind because of another opinion I stand by this title, I truly love the outcome, thank you Michal.      

The Gospel

Last week Tuesday I gave a message at youth group, part of said message was my simple telling of the gospel story, while I was going over things before service with Shelly she told me I needed to record it somewhere so tonight I’m adding it to my blog, I hope you like it.

 

We were talking about evangelism all last month, so I decided to look up evangelism in the dictionary; the definition of evangelism is “a preaching of, or zealous effort to spread the gospel.” You don’t need to be trained to spread the gospel; it is something that all of us can and should do everyday, but in order to spread the gospel you need to know what the gospel is.

 

The gospel starts out something like this. There is a God, and He created the world, and man (He placed Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden, the loveliest place you could ever imagine and gave them authority over everything, the only rule He had was that they could not eat from the tree in the centre of the Garden) But man disobeyed God and fell into sin (they listened to the serpent and ate the forbidden fruit) and separated themselves from God. Many, many generations later God had compassion on His creation, and sent His Son to earth in the form of man. (Baby Jesus born in a manger, you know how that story goes) while on earth Jesus lived a perfect sinless life (He was the best man a man could be.) Then came the day that God and Jesus both knew had to come, Jesus sacrificed Himself to be killed like sinner on a cross and the Son of God died. But it dose not end there because three days later He rose from the grave. On the cross Jesus took all the sins of the world for all time onto Himself and off of those who committed them. Through His death Jesus restored the bridge that Adam and Eve had destroyed, and if you accept Jesus as the savior that He is, your sins are forgiven and you are no longer separated form God. That is the gospel a simple story of what one man did for the world to bring all who desire back into a relationship with His loving Father.

Frozen Moments

            

Its been a few weeks since I’ve written anything just for the sake of writing, and that’s what I’m trying to do right now, but as usual I don’t know what it is that I want to write about because my desire is to write just for the sake of writing. So with that first sentence coming full circle where shall I go from here? I’ve decided to change the name of this blog, its original name “Starrlight” doesn’t really mean anything, and although this blog was started as a way to share my story and its title was a cute play on my name, I don’t wish for my book to be called Starr so a name change seemed to be in order. Through the process of attempting to write said story what seems to have come together is a series of events, miscellaneous thoughts and decisions about how to live this life I’ve been given, the purpose of sharing this story has turned from shining a light on who I am and what I see to, leaning how to live this life and appreciate the beauty in every moment. So with that in mind the new title for this blog is taken from a phrase I saw while flipping through magazines at Amy’s last week, it seems to hold slightly more meaning than a play on my name so tonight it takes its place on this blog.

Something About Grace



I’ve been feeling really distant from people lately, even my closest friends, I feel like there is a wall being built between me and the rest of the world. I’m pretty sure it’s my fault, that I’m the one closing myself off from everyone, but I don’t know what it is that is causing me to build this wall. I want to love people, to share my thoughts with them, thoughts about life and everything I believe in , thoughts about God and how I long to be with Him, thoughts about love and what that really means, even thoughts that seem completely meaningless but somehow show how I see the world. The trouble is, lately I feel empty, lost and confused like part of my mind just feels blank, like what once lived there has now moved out and hasn’t been replaced yet. I want to open up and share my life with people but I don’t know how to describe my life anymore, I’m not even sure what it is that is my life anymore. I’ve been trying to convince myself that that’s okay that this is my process of letting go of my dreams so that I can walk out God’s plan, but I feel like I’m missing something important, like I skipped a step somewhere and now God is saying “your really close to where I want you but you need to back up and look at where you are.” When I do this He is showing me something about humility and grace. He asked me to give my life to Him; all my hopes and dreams, everything I ever wanted to do be or have, I tried my best to do this and now I’m left feeling empty. But tonight He is telling me that this emptiness in not from Him but from myself, that in my effort to let go, my pride held back the desire to plan for myself and didn’t fully accept His grace to fill the void… Wow that’s just what I needed to hear, thank you Father.              

Lost but at Peace

I started reading a book this week, Sunday afternoon I believe I’m about half way through it right now and it is wonderful. However, when I was in school I despised reading, I’ve thought about this before and I have come up with a few theories as to why this was the case. Theory number one, I’ve always thought myself to be a rather slow reader and to be honest I was very lazy and just didn’t want to take the time to do it. Theory number two, I have discovered since finishing school that I am an auditory learner that I remember what I hear more than most other things and since reading is most often done silently and I didn’t know better I was never fully engaged in what I was reading. Theory number three, along with my lacking interest in books I had put up a wall against anything “English” related and did not like to write either; so the only time that I read was to do a book report and since I didn’t like to read and I didn’t like to write the whole book report process turned into a mild form of educational torture. So with all that being said, I am pleasantly amazed at how much my life has changed since the time I was in school; I now love to read and write along with many changes in other aspects of my interests and personality to numerous to really list or describe, but largely make me who I am today.

 

I stopped attending high school nearly seven years ago, finished out my junior and senior years in a home school program and graduated in 2007. in the process of living these past seven years I grew into a completely different person than I was in high school, well sort of; to be honest the girl I was seven years ago is not as different as I make her out to be. I am still on occasion quite insecure, but what I face in my life today dose not compare to the insecurity that I lived in back then. This past week for instance I struggled deeply with feelings of inadequacy and loneliness, with thoughts of emptiness and confusion as if I’m lost and broken because honestly I don’t know where I’m going anymore. But rather than let it get me down the odd and wonderful thing about this week is that deep down I’m perfectly at peace with not knowing where I’m headed and my desire is not to know all the details of my future, but to let go of the desire to know the details and learn to fully rely on God. In Matthew 10:39 Jesus say “He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for my sake will find it.” this is what I’m going for, this is the struggle that I’m dealing with. My spirit wants me to let go, to rest in God’s peace and walk in His grace. My pride on the other hand wants to know the details so I can tell people I have dreams and goals, that I’m not a nobody loser who’s gonna spend the rest of her life at a factory job she doesn’t exactly love because she was to insecure in high school to graduate like a normal person and go away to college, because that’s what the devil would like me to believe. I know it’s not true, that my life has purpose and where I am today is exactly where I am suppose to be, that this is only a season and God is planning wonderful adventures for my future, but when I’m tired of routine and feel alone wherever I go that lie becomes harder to fight than I want it to be, and I make this truth harder to accept than it really is. But this truth stands deep inside of me and God is faithful, so even though I’m broken, insecure, lost and confused about life, if you ask me how I am the honest answer is good, because I know God has begun a good work in me He just hasn’t quite completed it yet.

Details

So for the past month or so I have been feeling kind of lost and very distracted as if I’ve lost my purpose and direction, I don’t know what my future holds and I’m not sure what I want to do with my life anymore. As I tried to find the words to write tonight I decided to go back through my notebook and basically read through this past year; what I found were the words God put on my heart two and a half months ago. “Be faithful and everything you do, do it for Me” I don’t know where on my path I lost this truth but tonight I find that this is my direction and my purpose; I don’t need to know the details of what my future holds. My future is my future and God is creating a prefect plan for it and today is today and I’m not supposed to worry about tomorrow. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not completely crazy, I know there are things in life that need to be planned, but being in relationship with God is planning those things with Him; moving when He says move, and waiting when He says wait, doing everything you do in His name with Him in mind and living each and every moment with faithfulness, in obedience to His word and resting in His grace when you fall short. Because I could plan and strive and fight for my goals and make opportunities for the future I think I want to have, but in the end “what profit is it to a man if he gains the whole world and loses his own soul…” Matthew 16: 26 All I need is to be in relationship with God, my life is His and when all my plans and efforts fall short it is His grace that lifts me up.

Beautiful Truth

 I’m not sure where to start because I don’t know what I want to talk about, in fact I don’t think I know anything anymore. Okay that’s not true, anything is the wrong word but for the last week or maybe the last month, I’m not quiet sure, I feel as though I’ve lost something, but I can’t really describe what that something is or was. So in an effort to try and figure out what this unknown something once was I’ll start with what I still seem to know. God is faithful, He knows me and plans good things for my life, what I desire most is to be in relationship with Him and that starts with faith and obedience and ends with grace, my own efforts will always fall short but if my effort is for God he will always be there ready to lift me up, and if I were to actually walk in all the truth that I just wrote on this page it would bring about peace. That helped more than I thought it would and I realized something wonderful; that even though I still feel broken and like something I once thought I had is now missing, what I lost was imperfect and that I wont need it if I stay on this path God is revealing to me and follow this beautiful truth that leads to being at peace with God. Because that’s all I really want anyway. 

The Uprising

                       

Nearly one year ago I spent a weekend at a youth retreat and found beauty in simply being, I came away from that time with a new desire to see the world and every person in it. Today I arrived home from this year’s retreat and what I walk away with is greater hunger for God and a new desire to see myself for who He has made me to be. This year God broke me. Last Wednesday night I lay in my bed seeking God with tears in my eyes, asking Him to fill me up, to give me someone who would speak into my life and show me that I’m not invisible, that I would stop being overlooked because I’m a leader and I’ve “got it all together” because lately I don’t feel like I’ve got anything together. On several occasions this weekend I completely fell apart, I’ve never been the most confident person and I’m very dependent on others around me; this year I was pushed past the barriers I had unknowingly put on my leadership role, and realized I was depending on my own abilities or other people more than on God, and I just kept breaking. But through all those breakdowns God answered my prayer and every time I broke He had someone there to speak truth into my life. So today as I try to process this experience my perspective is lovely, I grew a lot, but this work is only starting, and even though what I see around me today is completely incomplete with a mess of broken pieces I know that God is faithful, and will finish putting me back together in His perfect timing, as for now I rest in the confidence that I am loved and that being in relationship with God is worth the hunger still growing inside me.

This Whole Relationship Thing

I don’t like me very much right now. I’m selfish and insecure, I’m lazy and a regular procrastinator, I complain to frequently and can be quite mean, I am far to easily offended and walk in pride more than love, I am extremely co-dependant and care far to much about what other people are going to think of me, and when it comes right down to it, I’m human. If I tried I’m sure this list could be longer; there where already more to add in my head the moment I stopped writing, but it’s time to move on. The things on this list are what most Christians, myself included would say are what makes you human or it might be called flesh and the reason we need to be saved. And that’s all fine and dandy, the truth really, but aren’t these the things that I don’t need to walk in anymore because I’m saved? As followers of Christ we are called to be in relationship with God, and walk in love, plain and simple Jesus said it himself*. So why is it, that a girl who has grown up her whole life believing in God is just now, at the age of 22 realizing how long her list is that keeps her separated from Him? Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying I want to be perfect, or that God would expect anyone to be perfect in order to be in a relationship with Him. What I am saying is that today as I lay in my bed feeling insecure and lonely, asking God how it is that I’m suppose to seek Him more and find this relationship that I so desire to be a part of , that the whisper I heard was obedience. And it was then, when I started thinking about obedience that I realized what a complete human I can be sometimes and I started making that list. So what is it that I need to do with this list? I suppose the answer would be as always, give it to God, because that is obedience and surrender but I can’t do it without Him, because the crazy upside down part of this whole relationship thing is that, I can’t be obedient to Him without first knowing Him and I can’t know Him without being obedient to His word and surrendering to the relationship. But when I do surrender and lay down myself before Him, He is there ready to lift me up, and that is the really wonderful part about this whole relationship thing.

*Matthew 22: 37-40

Jesus said to him,” you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all you mind,’ “This is the great commandment. “And the second is like it: you shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ “On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.”

Puzzle Pieces

I haven’t written anything (not even in my notebook) in a week, but it feels more like a month. I have so much to say and it feels as though I need to play catch-up with my thoughts; as though I could write for hours yet, a place to start seems hard to find. Hmm? Last week I read a book; one of those this could change your life if you let it kind of books, chances are you’ve heard of it, its called “The Shack” I found it to be strange in a wonderful kind of way, and I loved it.

I’ve been meaning to read this book for quite some time now, but honestly I am truly happy to have waited. I imagine that different people reading this story form their own view will inevitably walk away from this book with a different piece of the elaborate puzzle the writer put together; but all I could see was the piece that I held as I entered. Everything I write, anything that I say as I talk about God over the past, I don’t even know how long, always seems to come back to this same point; being in relationship with God. As I read this odd story of a man who encounters God through deeper pain than anyone should ever have to face, the words and concepts that stood out to me were of course nothing less than relationship. It’s all I want to do, it’s all I want everyone to know about and believe in, and this strange and lovely picture the writer creates through his words simply makes me want it all the more.

The reason I say I’m glad I waited is because, as I said before I already held this puzzle piece in my hands before I started the book, it simply added its own unique color to it. I’ve been talking baby steps on this path towards relationship for quite some time now and I do believe that had I not already started and had the piece in my hands I would have lost something, or rather been left with less color. So tonight as I write these words I thank God for color and the path He has me walking to be with Him, the scenery is beautiful and all I ask is to keep it coming. Thank You Father.

A Scream and A Whisper

I just want to talk, have a conversation with a friend about what’s on my heart, the trouble is I don’t have the words to describe what it is exactly that’s on my heart, and all I have in front of me is a pen and a notebook, so where do I begin? First thought that crosses my mind as I write these words is that when Michal reads that sentence she will inevitably notice that I used the word “have” three times and that, I do not in fact desire to hold ownership over a conversation, or the words that I speak or write, and that even though by all normal social standards I do in fact own this pen and this notebook, it was actually the act of writing which I was trying to describe so that cannot be owned either. Okay with that sentence all straightened out I think I can now move on.

Last week I poured my heart over these pages and decided that I am going to learn how to play the guitar, and then I picked that thought back up and held onto it for a week. This thought is one to which everything inside of me is screaming “don’t let go” and this is one thought where God is whispering “give this to Me” I know enough truth here to know if I don’t give this desire to God I will never do it on my own, so its actually an easy choice to make. But this easy choice is one that needs to be made everyday because in all honesty when are that scream and that whisper ever in agreement? Everything we do or get the opportunity to have fall into this easy choice category and need to be given to God. That is the truth I was referring to earlier and sometimes as Christians we can tune out the screaming inside of us and say “okay God this is yours” but, how often do we ignore the whisper and listen to the scream because we want it or its more convenient and wait until our own efforts have fallen apart or blown up in our faces to say okay God I’m giving this to you now so you can pick up the pieces and put the puzzle back together, and of course God is faithful so He dose just that, but how much further along could we have been if we had listened to the whisper in the first place, and how much closer would our relationship with God be if we would follow His voice instead of our own.

So tonight here’s my view. I long to be in relationship with God, the Father, His Son and the Holy Spirit, He knows what’s on my heart without any words, but listens when I talk anyway, and answers with a whisper that louder than my scream. What He asks is both the simplest thing and the hardest thing in the world to do at the same time. He says He who finds his life will lose it and he who loses His life for My sake will find it, so what is my life, just my hopes and dreams, everything I ever want to be, do or have, basically all He asks for is everything that makes me who I am, easy right? But it is, because when we lay ourselves down at His feet, He lifts us up and says walk with Me I’ll show you the way, and most likely His way will lead right back to all those hopes and dreams in an even better way that we thought possible. So tonight, my view, I think I’ll listen to the whisper.

This Word Called Faithfulness

I’ve been thinking quite frequently that I would like to learn how to play the guitar, I may never be amazing at it, in fact I might fail miserably but I do believe I would like to learn. I find so much beauty in music, if you know me, you know my heart is there; I long to find artists that are creative and different, I find joy in seeing others find joy in the music they love whether that be playing or simply consuming as I do. My love for this creative outlet lies deep within my heart and I desire to discover a new level of which I can experience this art. My heart tells me I’m an artist, my words tell me I’m a writer and my passion tells me to pursue music. My desire is to glorify God and follow the path He has for me, I don’t know where this path is leading, but the step that I’m on right now is consumed by this word called faithfulness. Today as I think about faithfulness and what that really means I believe part of that is listening to the desires God has put on my heart, it means to do every work with excellence and use the gifts and talents God has given to glorify Him, it involves living in today and not just living to get through today. So if I start by listening to my heart my steps lead me to digging deeper into music, if I follow that up by working with excellence it means I need to try more at learning more, I don’t claim to have a talent for guitar I’ve never even picked one up but I’ll never know if I don’t try, and the last step may be the hardest, the one I’ve been pursuing all year, and it tells me that I can’t keep waiting or putting things off, it tells me to be faithful is to work with the opportunities I have all around me in my current setting, I’ve already said it several times; this is not my season to escape to a new world, it’s my time to grow in the one I already reside in. And there you have it, everything I believe about faithfulness confirms my desire to learn, I guess now I should figure out how to do that.

Creator

Once upon a time… or so I would start if I had a story to tell, alas I do not, but I have no desire to complain or talk of boredom or tiredness ether. I spent much of this week in my imagination, with my daydreams I can create a whole new made up world in my head, one filled to the brim with beauty and adventure, I can spend my days thinking of the adventures I’d have if lived in this world free from the responsibility I face in my life today, I can write my self a love story to fall into or become anything I wish to be, there is no limit to what this life would hold. However there is something imperfect about this world which I create, for it is not my place to make a world; I already live in one with a most perfect Creator. This perfect Creator made me and the world that I reside in, He has given me the responsibility that I so frequently desire run from, He has planned out my future adventures and has written me a better love story than I could ever wish to write myself, He has made me in His image and given me this ability to dream, so with all my dreaming aside I am thankful, thankful for my Creator and the wonder of who He is, thankful that this God who made the heavens and the earth has chosen to make me, and no less, in His image, thankful for the world He has created, one filled with the most beautiful things imaginable and has given me the opportunity to live here, but more than anything else I am thankful for His love, this love that is still beyond my comprehension. For today I am a thankful dreamer.

Thought of Brokenness

Today was spent at a coffee shop in downtown Holland; I enjoyed nearly 5 hours talking with two of the most wonderful people I know. When describing these two beautiful girls I would most certainly refer to them as my best friends, and if they were for some reason to vanish from my life tomorrow never to be seen again my heart would most definitely be classified as broken. And yet it is this thought of my brokenness that draws me closer to God Himself; I know the closeness I have with people is never a guarantee, it is a promise that holds only human value; friendships come and go, and even though I know in my heart that these two I talk about tonight are not leaving me anytime soon it is God that would be there to fix my brokenness if they ever did. Relationship is important, probably the most important thing we can do in this life, but one relationship stands above the rest and that is the one we hold with God, I am beyond thankful for the beautiful people that fill this life, my friends and family mean the world to me, but at the end of the day it is God who holds that world.

As Iron Sharpens Iron

I’ve decided to try and write everyday; I may not post something everyday but it is my desire to put pen to page in my notebook on a more regular basis. So what can I say about today? Simply, I love my friends. About a week maybe a week and a half ago I got a message from the mother of one of my friends, thanking me for being such a good friend to her daughter, the only reason I bring this up is that in this message she included a quote that read something like, a true friend is one who pushes you closer to God. These are not the exact words from this quote but this is my way to describe the feeling that that resonates with me at the end of a most wonderful summer. I can honestly say the most beautiful thing I have found this summer is a deeper relationship with God, and the time and energy I spent with my friends was such a vital part of my new found hunger for this relationship. People change people, true friends push you closer to God and relationship with God make the world a more beautiful place to behold. I love my friends

Proverbs 27:17
 As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.

Each and Every Day

Almost 10pm on a Thursday night and I should so be asleep right now, alas, that is not the course this night would be taking. My story tonight begins a little over a week ago when I was hanging out at Amy’s helping her pack for school and a backpacking trip she is currently on right now, it was a Monday night and I had to be at work the next morning, I had really been struggling with work for a few weeks at that point; I didn’t want to go anymore, I didn’t have any desire to talk to the people I worked with all day, and I couldn’t see the point, I was just getting through my days. But that night Amy said the words I needed to hear; something like, pray that God will give you a reason to want to go to work, and that He will give you something new. Over the past week I saw something new; and I’ve come to appreciate the beauty of my world; this somewhat ordinary existence which I walk through each and every day. I still struggle going to work everyday when my alarm is going off at 5 in the morning, but I’m taking it one day at a time, holding on to the word that God has placed on my heart to live and do everything like it’s for Him; to be faithful in what He has given me and wait.

The second event of tonight’s story happened a few hours ago when Jason called; he is raising money to go to this program in Dallas Texas called Masters Commission, it’s some sort of school slash ministry training program, he recently found out that if he refers someone who signs up he will get money for his tuition, they told him to ask friends who he thought might be interested, he thought of me. To him this was simply a question that needed to be asked, because it might pay off for the both of us if I wanted to go. As he described the program and all the benefits that go along with this path he is soon to be walking down I already knew what my answer would be, simply no.

I have peace in my heart in this moment, on this day that my path for this season remains in Michigan with my family, at my job, going to my church. As much as Masters Commission would most definitely put me closer to my desired career path, as much as it would satisfy my college dreams, I know that’s not the next step on my path. God told me to be faithful and to me it’s very clear what that means, to do everything unto God is to cherish every moment, to work with excellence, to find opportunity to grow each and every day, and to be thankful for the path He is leading me on. Today I stand on the edge of a new season, not because I am running away to a new and unfamiliar world, simply because my eyes are opened to the change in the one I currently live in, for today is a new day and this is my season to see the new and beautiful in an all too familiar land.

Scenery

I noticed leaves on trees changing color today. August 22nd and I’m not quite ready for summer to be over yet; this was a most beautiful season and even though I look forward to the next I desire to enjoy my last few moments before we move on and things are never the same again. This life we live is ever changing, we move from season to season and leave behind things that we can never quite get back, but as we walk this path the change can be something lovely to behold. The change of this season started coming a few months ago near the start of this summer when graduation hit and the path for a few of my friends was clearly to go out rather than stay here, as I sought direction and purpose on my own path I found people who brought me closer to God and through this summer my eyes have become more opened to see God’s beauty and in my heart I’ve found greater joy in simply living my life. This path is one I started walking almost a year ago and one that I’m not remotely close to being finished with if ever, but today the scenery seems to be changing all around me and I’m still holding on to this old view that I’ve fallen so dearly in love with. But I keep walking, with my eyes open wide and as these last few moments of summer find their end I cherish them, knowing in my heart that the next time they come around everything will be different because “to everything there is a season, a time for purpose under heaven”* and I will not be one to hold God back from what He has planed next. People leave, relationships change but God is faithful and we must keep moving, even when were not so sure about the new view coming our way.

*Ecclesiastes 3:1

Are Any of You Busy?

I realized yesterday morning that for the past few weeks I have been going to work with my only intention being to get through the day; it’s not fun and work has been kind of awful. My days in general have been more that just busy, over the past month I have found much joy spending more time with my friends than I would have even thought possible but after you add in 40 not to enjoyable hours at work every week my life becomes too busy and I become very exhausted. So last night in youth service when Betsy opened her lesson with “are any of you busy?” I was glad to be sitting in that room. Her teaching spoke straight to my heart and gave me a much needed reminder of something I knew I should have been doing already; her words were simply “be still”. All I could think of when I heard this was wow, how could I have forgotten that; I find it kind of crazy how you can spend so much time at church, with Christian friends and trying your hardest to seek after God, reading your Bible, and listening to worship music, how you can go to church feel His presence in the room and still not find Him because you forgot to be quite long enough to hear Him speak. The message last night was simple, to the point and exactly what I needed. This morning I took this message to heart; when I woke up I lay in my bed and said a simple prayer “God I’m listening, what do I need to hear” and I waited, it only took a few short minuets and He spoke to me; He said something like when you are faithful over few I will give you more and whatever you do in word or in deed you do in My name. I knew these where His words I have the scripture to back them up, and it was just what I needed to face the day; my desire is to live with purpose, not to just get through, I want more and I’ve been thinking about it a lot lately; about passion and priorities and what I want out of life, these words from this morning fit what has been on my heart, I needed that reminder, to be faithful with today, to wait on God and His plan but to remember to live, to live everything like it’s for God because it is. Today I walked this walk, I did more that just survive and life was once again beautiful.

Matthew 25:21

His Lord said to him, “well done good and faithful servant; you have been faithful over a few things. I will make you ruler over many things. Enter into the joy of your Lord.”

Colossians 3:17

And whatever you do in word or in deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him.

Barriers

I fit, but do I fit? This weekend was lovely, wonderful and down right fun; I met some people who I dare say became some friends, but do I really fit? This summer has been one of the best of my life; what makes it so special is the way I have gotten to see it. I spent this year so far looking for moments learning how to “Be” and be me, this summer is special because I got to live so many moments. Over the past month I spent so much time enjoying the company of my friends that I down right wore myself out, but it’s the time I spent with these people that made everything so beautiful. This weekend I was invited by one of my best friends to enter her college world; I met Amy near the beginning of this summer, she just finished her first year at Hope, but since our connection did not happen until June I had yet to meet any of her college friends. This was Coast Guard weekend and many of her Hope friends were going to be in town and she wanted me to meet them, I must say in a strange way meeting all of them makes me love Amy even more; these people, her friends, are all unique, with different gifts, personalities and talents; I am honored to now know them and I look forward to the opportunity to be friends with them as well. One weekend, watching a movie, walking the pier, worshiping together and playing Apples to Apples, one weekend and I wish I went to Hope. I am 22 years old, I have a full time job, I am a leader in two youth ministries at my church, I have been on 4 missions trips, and I sing on the worship team Tuesday nights, I help out in Sunday school and have taught at youth services 3 times, My life is busy and blessed and I truly enjoy the ways God is growing me in my life, but I am not a college student. I was always the smart girl who got the good grades, I thought for sure that I would go to college (don’t get me wrong I have not given up on that and I may still go) but right here right now this is my life, it shouldn’t matter whether or not I go to school, but this; the idea in my head that I’m less because I haven’t made it to college, is my barrier, one of the walls that I put up between me and whoever, if I never make it back to school it does not make me any less important to God, He has a plan and a purpose for my life and this is the knowledge that I walk in, if His plan for me is school He will show me my way and if it is not then whether or not I’m in school should not hold me back from enjoying these new people I wish to call my friends.

The 99

This weekend I went to this thing call the 99; each day an average of 99 young people die from preventable cases, these causes are the focus of this event, alcohol and texting related car crashes, drugs, gang violence and suicide, the 99 is a walkthrough theater spotlighting these deaths, as you walk from room to room you become witness to these deaths and the reality of the choices these young people make everyday. The devil is your guide as he collects the souls of these lost children on this typical night in America. As you near the end of this journey you get a glimpse of hell and the prison these lost ones can no longer escape from, but this is not the end of your trip you also get a promise of hope and become witness to the truth that lies in Jesus and the sacrifice He made so that He could bring those who believe home with Him.

As I took this walk Friday night I could feel the heaviness in the air, the hardest part about the experience was not fear, or condemnation over choices I’ve made in my life, it was sadly the reality that we witnessed, it was the sorrow found in the truth that for 99 people that night these events were not merely a theater but were true and final choices for their lives. The room that stuck with me the most was a video on a screen; the suicide note of a beautiful young girl, the lie she believed that this world would be better off if she were not in it. The reality of her choice made me want to cry. Her room looked like one of any average teenager, she looked like a normal girl, she was a normal girl, a normal girl who believed a lie, a lie that so many normal girls and boys around the world believe each and every day. The truth is the devil lies, he tells us we are worthless, he tells us we need to be at that party, he tells us to get in that car, he lies and lies and lies all he has the power to do is lie. His voice, his lies have become a part of society and if we don’t pay attention, if we don’t fill our minds with a different voice, one of truth and hope, with the word of God then the lies obtain more power than they have the right to; the lies obtain the power to steal lives. This is what the 99 is about, this is what I witnessed, the lies the devil tells us and the reality of what can happen when we believe him. My prayer tonight is that God’s truth overshadows the lies of the devil.

So I have a lot of theories

So I have a lot of theories; I discovered that this is a large part of who I am on the way to Cornerstone this year; Michal and I decided it’s a family trait we get from our mom. This is the way I see the world really, some of them are completely set in my heart, part of who I am and the way I live my life others come out in a more joking manner like; the sun must set earlier in the south because the sun should not be setting at 9:30 in Illinois when it sets at 10 where we live in Michigan. And since this blog is my perspective on world and theories are so much the way I see the world, I thought I would share one of my core theories with you tonight so here goes. The right song heard at the right moment can change a life; I spend hours a day with headphones on, I listen to my i-pod while I work, so frequently I take the music I listen to for granted, it turns into background noise and loses a part of what makes it special, but when I stop and listen, truly listen, there is power, for different people it’s different things but when you listen to the words or to this instrument or that instrument or this or that progression, the way it all comes together, there is beauty, there is power, and there are those moments that change people. It’s been two weeks since I got back from Cornerstone, while we were there going to show after show I was amazed by how frequently we heard references to letting this festival change you. I am a firm believer in Christian music, it’s where I find my joy, my moments. We were at a Christian music festival so of course God was playing into the people being changed, but I find a tremendous amount of beauty in the way He uses music to foster that change; music brings people together, music becomes a part of the consumer, at least when you listen and experience it, music changes people, I know it changes me, at least, in theory.

My List

I’ve made a list; this is a list of things that I enjoy, moments that make me smile, memories that I hold close to my heart and the beauty of God’s creation. This list was Amy’s idea, but I found the idea to be more than beautiful. Over this past year my prayer and focus has been to find beauty in simplicity and experience every moment for its true value, to truly see people and to “be” more than “have”. The creation of this list is in itself a memory to hold dear; a fun thing to do with a good friend and an act of worship to thank God for so many of the wonderful things He has created, it’s a time of self reflection; to find the things I put value in and remember to be thankful for how blessed I am. This is my Joy List for today, hopefully not the only one I ever write, for there is always new joy to be found.

1. Knowing God has a plan for your life

2. Deep conversations at 3 am

3. Spending a weekend reading a book

4. Listening to someone passionately play the guitar

5. Black and White photography

6. Looking at a perfect starry sky

7. Odd terms of endearment

8. Watching someone get lost in worship

9. Silent laughter

10. “Right there”

11. Aslin’s song in the Magicians Nephew

12. Capturing a moment in a photograph

13. Hearing someone sing along with the radio at work

14. Amazing Grace at a Flatfoot show

15. Unexpected gifts

16. Feeling safe in a thunderstorm

17. Listening to the rain

18. Smelling the smell of spring

19. Being the only girl with your guy friends

20. That butterflies in the stomach feeling

21. Seeing a movie you loved as a child

22. Getting lost in worship

23. finding adventure with your friends

24. Writing a blog and knowing its God speaking to you

25. Witty people

26. Knowing the answers in a trivia game

27. Seeing how people think

28. Notes from your friends

29. The persistent asking of your friends for you to hang out when you can’t

30. Having such a good time you don’t care you stayed out too late even though you still have to work in the morning

31. Knowing what movie a quote is from

32. “Praise Jesus”

33. Finger painting walls

34. Random inside jokes

35. Good hair days

36. Christian musicians talking about Jesus at a concert

37. Being at a concert when the whole crowd is into the show

38. Cute plaid clothing

39. Morning devotions and worship in Guatemala

40. Bonfires

41. Comfy hoodies

42. Phineas and Ferb

43. Band t-shirts

44. Comfortable hugs

45. Hot cocoa dates with friends

46. Watching Pride and Prejudice

47. Baking Christmas cookies

48. Going to a restaurant and talking for hours

49. Cheesecake

50. Grandma McRae’s macaroni and cheese

51. Bozzy and Maggie (the two coolest dogs I know)

52. Riding in the back of pick-up trucks in Guatemala

53. Cole

54. Long walks with friends

55. Meaningful conversations in the car

56. Learning Spanish words

57. A full notebook

58. People who still shoot in film

59. Getting film developed and loving your prints

60. Worship at Cornerstone

61. Playing with photos on the computer

62. Hour long phone calls just to talk

63. Seeing a grown man play with children

64. Finding a song that perfectly fits your mood

65. Discovering a new band you absolutely love

66. The way fresh snow sparkles

67. Someone talking about the person they love

68. Laughing so hard your abs hurt

69. When people who aren’t your family feel like family

70. Playing Mario games

71. Pictures of random signs

72. Finding money you forgot you had

73. Singing along with musicals

74. Singing in general

75. Receiving a stocking on Christmas morning

76. Spell check on your web browser

77. Warm cloths right out of the dryer

78. Polka Dots

79. Colorful pens

80. Dairy Queen ice cream cake

81. Random complements

82. Realizing you now like food you never did before

83. Getting comments on you blog

84. Being alone without feeling lonely

85. Finding the perfect gift for someone

86. The view from the prayer chapel at Monte Flor

87. Being called Beautiful

88. The way water tastes when you really thirsty

89. Saturday mornings

90. Cheddar biscuits from Red Lobster

91. Being outside on a summer night

92. The excitement of children

93. Pizzeria pizza

94. When you click with someone the first time you meet

95. The feeling of accomplishment you have after a good workout

96. Eating cookie dough while baking cookies

97. “Home”

98. Being in that, you just have to write mood

99. Facial expression

100. British, Australian and New Zeeland accents

101. Knowing what your friends are saying without them saying anything

102. Seeing people truly enjoy music

103. Having such a good day work goes by quickly

104. Reading Michal’s blog

105. Being so tired everything is hilarious

106. My camera

107. Make believe

108. God’s love

Simple as a song

The Lord your God is with you, He is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. Zephaniah 3:17

Every morning while in Guatemala we had group devotions, at the end of our devotions we would conclude with a time of worship and prayer; everyday at some point in our devotions, worship or prayer this phase, this idea would come out that He sings over us, everyday I would ask God to hear this song; on several occasions throughout the week I could feel this prayer being answered and I would begin to sing. The most obvious of these times that I was granted my prayer was on Wednesday (what can I say Wednesday was a good day) at the refugee camp after I prayed for Gloria I began to just walk the room and pray, after a few minuets of this, my prayer changed from speaking to singing, I just couldn’t stop myself and I didn’t want to, I cherish this moment; something so simple as a song. I have said it before and I’ll say it again, I believe with all my heart the right song heard at the right moment can change a life, this song that I sang I didn’t understand as far as words were concerned, but it came from my heart and God knows what it means. I found something that day as I quietly sang along with God’s song, it was something like peace or joy, maybe that’s what it meant, all I know is that this may be the song that changes my life, if only because I know that God sings over me.

He will rejoice over you with singing

Gloria

I sit here tonight and my heart longs for purpose and direction. I'm trying to think of what story to tell from Guatemala, how do I describe what I experienced there, how do I capture a moment from that week and do it justice with my simple words. The moment I choose to try my hand at is from Wednesday, on that day we visited a refugee camp; people, wonderful beautiful, people who lost most if not all they owned, including homes and possibly family were being housed in a school in Chichi. As we arrived I took to tasks, my job was puppet coordinator so I helped set up the stage, and talked to a few of my team members to be sure we had people behind our puppets, once that was done I decided to help pass out tickets; a few people were already passing out to the kids so I grabbed a ribbon and handed them to the adults around the room, once those tasks were complete it was about time for our service to start. As adorable as the children in the room were I did not feel drawn to sit by them, so I wandered the background with my roll of tickets in hand waiting to pass them out to anyone who may enter late. As I stood in the back behind the children with the adults to the side in chairs along the wall, this sweet young lady walks up to me and asks if I would like a chair; knowing that I would soon be going backstage to get ready for one of our dramas I politely decline, but was extremely touched by her offer. After our drama as our service was coming to a close we prayed for anyone there who wanted prayer; this is where I meet Gloria, this same sweet young lady who had earlier offered me a comfortable place to sit now came for comfort, Luke and I prayed for her together, since I don't know much Spanish I told him to ask her what she would like prayer for, form what he told me, she said she was nervous about her life, her future, I asked God to give her peace and direction, to comfort her and be evident in her life, as we finished I was once again touched by this girl as she told us God bless you and gave us both hugs, after that she just stood where she was and waited I do believe in expectation ready to receive God's peace in that moment. I love it, her faith was more real than anything I have felt since I've been home, this moment, this story truly touches my heart; since arriving home my mind has not been able to stop, I feel lost and my life has seemed nothing more than gloomy the last few days, then I think of Gloria, when she came to my mind today I felt almost sick with myself, broken down over all the sadness I have let myself fall into this week, wondering why I feel so lost just because people around me are making decisions, and taking steps that change their lives. Gloria, beautiful Gloria lost her home, all she had, maybe even family and friends in a mudslide, in and instant what she thought her life was changed by no decision of her own, yet she stood and waited on the Lord. Tonight I am ready to wait, I have my home, I have more possessions that I really need, I have my family and even if some of my friends are moving on to new things in their lives, they are not lost forever. Before we left that place I saw a smile on Gloria's face, I thank God for her tonight, I ask once again for Him to grant her direction and continue to comfort her as she finds her new path in life.

Jehovah-Raah

The Lord is my Shepard

Open Doors

Hi... in all my loneliness about returning "home" I missed something very important; God has a plan and a purpose for my life. Tuesday night before youth we worshiped and prayed like we always do; I'm still processing Guatemala, missing my mission trip "family" and then add in my friend Tyler won't be coming to youth after the fist week of July and he is leaving end of August begining of September and when you throw all that together I'm a bit of a mess this week, especially when you also add a sever lack of sleep, so with all that being said we were worshiping and praying Tuesday night, when Ben said that he felt like we needed to go around our little circle and have everyone pray, my first thought was I don't know what I'm going to say. Then God started speaking to me; He knew that i was sad, confused even lonely, He told me I needed to be thankful for open doors. It seems like everyone around me is on the edge of a new season in their lives, taking steps through open doors, I felt like I was being left behind; like where is my door and then God told me to be thankful for open doors, that's all I needed and I knew in that moment He was telling me that I have a door too, maybe not today, I might have to wait for it but that door is there, and so very worth the wait. I hope it opens soon, I pray for clarity an the path towards it, I'm still a little sad, I'm still a bit lonely but in order for me to find this wonderful, beautiful, amazing door God has for me to walk through I can't go backward, I need to keep looking forward and focus on God, and let Him guide this path.

Home???

Day one back from Guatemala and I feel incredibly lonely; we had a lot of down time this year and I can honestly say that I bonded with the team a lot; by the end of the week it felt almost like we were some sort of family. Then today I was home and without all of them around me and I feel more than lonely; I know it’s silly that that is the thing I seem to miss most right now but its just the first thing, the most obvious of what I don’t have here with me today, I miss so much more than that but right here right now as I should be going to sleep, I just really need to get it out, to say today was hard for me, today as I come home I have so many thoughts running through my mind that I can’t even process them, and all I can think in that chaos is I don’t want to go to work in the morning, I feel terribly lonely I just want my “family” back, and my home doesn’t feel like home today. I’m sorry that I can’t describe my wonderful, beautiful, amazing trip to Guatemala right now, but my heart needs time to process the change and this is where I stand in this moment on this page of my story surrounded by the familiar things of my life, but completely out of sorts in this place called home.

The View

I find myself searching for the beginning of my story and I’m not sure where to start. So I’ll take the view from today. In less than one week, five days to be exact I will be on my way to Guatemala for the second time. I could talk about my previous trip and tell you how it changed me; tell you how I’m not the same person I was the last time that I went. I could say how my heart longs to return, how I want nothing more than to give my whole heart to that place and let God take control of it. I could make a list of things I wish to see and let you know how much I long for God to open my eyes. But in the end what is my story? Its about a girl just living her life, a life she desires to give to God, a life that was bought with a price to be given as an offering, and this is my life, my path is not my own I didn’t earn it, what’s mine is how I get to see it, the way I see is special, no one else walks this same path and sees the way I see, so the view form today is just that a view all my own that I will try to enjoy. Less than one week that is what consumes my thoughts today, but every moment is special and today is the day that the Lord has made and I will rejoice and be glad.

Once Upon a Time

Time to tell a story, so I decided today that I would try to write an opening for my blog (this blog) and explain my life and how I wish to see the world; this is my second draft, I started over because what would have been my first entry seemed to come across to dramatic and a lot like nicely written words that didn’t really represent me or rather more me as a theory or idea of my life and not so much me as a person writing from my heart. As a started over with my “story” that word story made me think of To Write Love On Her Arms and how Jamie is always saying how everyone has a story, and how every story matters, and how they go out and put on events; these events to share the message of hope and help and healing and when it comes right down to it the best part of what they do is found in the moments when they get to hear the stories; and one of the coolest things they do is when they hear these stories they really listen and make people feel just a little bit better by reminding them that their story matters. All that being said when I think about this blog and what I wish for it to be, I think I’d like to tell my story, some days this story will be full of adventure and growth, beauty and change, other days it may be nothing more than what seems to be an ordinary life being lived be an ordinary girl. But ordinary is what you make it and I do believe with all my heart that there is beauty to be found in every moment, that we live in a world filled with the wonderful, amazing beautiful creation of God. This is my story, my view of the world, the perspective God has given me and the best part about this story, view and perspective is that as I continue to seek after God, He will continue to write this story, the view will continue to change and my perspective will grow beyond it’s limits.

“… Look at your eyes they’re so small in size but they see enormous things…” mewithoutYou