Lost but at Peace

I started reading a book this week, Sunday afternoon I believe I’m about half way through it right now and it is wonderful. However, when I was in school I despised reading, I’ve thought about this before and I have come up with a few theories as to why this was the case. Theory number one, I’ve always thought myself to be a rather slow reader and to be honest I was very lazy and just didn’t want to take the time to do it. Theory number two, I have discovered since finishing school that I am an auditory learner that I remember what I hear more than most other things and since reading is most often done silently and I didn’t know better I was never fully engaged in what I was reading. Theory number three, along with my lacking interest in books I had put up a wall against anything “English” related and did not like to write either; so the only time that I read was to do a book report and since I didn’t like to read and I didn’t like to write the whole book report process turned into a mild form of educational torture. So with all that being said, I am pleasantly amazed at how much my life has changed since the time I was in school; I now love to read and write along with many changes in other aspects of my interests and personality to numerous to really list or describe, but largely make me who I am today.

 

I stopped attending high school nearly seven years ago, finished out my junior and senior years in a home school program and graduated in 2007. in the process of living these past seven years I grew into a completely different person than I was in high school, well sort of; to be honest the girl I was seven years ago is not as different as I make her out to be. I am still on occasion quite insecure, but what I face in my life today dose not compare to the insecurity that I lived in back then. This past week for instance I struggled deeply with feelings of inadequacy and loneliness, with thoughts of emptiness and confusion as if I’m lost and broken because honestly I don’t know where I’m going anymore. But rather than let it get me down the odd and wonderful thing about this week is that deep down I’m perfectly at peace with not knowing where I’m headed and my desire is not to know all the details of my future, but to let go of the desire to know the details and learn to fully rely on God. In Matthew 10:39 Jesus say “He who finds his life will lose it, and he who loses his life for my sake will find it.” this is what I’m going for, this is the struggle that I’m dealing with. My spirit wants me to let go, to rest in God’s peace and walk in His grace. My pride on the other hand wants to know the details so I can tell people I have dreams and goals, that I’m not a nobody loser who’s gonna spend the rest of her life at a factory job she doesn’t exactly love because she was to insecure in high school to graduate like a normal person and go away to college, because that’s what the devil would like me to believe. I know it’s not true, that my life has purpose and where I am today is exactly where I am suppose to be, that this is only a season and God is planning wonderful adventures for my future, but when I’m tired of routine and feel alone wherever I go that lie becomes harder to fight than I want it to be, and I make this truth harder to accept than it really is. But this truth stands deep inside of me and God is faithful, so even though I’m broken, insecure, lost and confused about life, if you ask me how I am the honest answer is good, because I know God has begun a good work in me He just hasn’t quite completed it yet.