Nearly one year ago I spent a weekend at a youth retreat and found beauty in simply being, I came away from that time with a new desire to see the world and every person in it. Today I arrived home from this year’s retreat and what I walk away with is greater hunger for God and a new desire to see myself for who He has made me to be. This year God broke me. Last Wednesday night I lay in my bed seeking God with tears in my eyes, asking Him to fill me up, to give me someone who would speak into my life and show me that I’m not invisible, that I would stop being overlooked because I’m a leader and I’ve “got it all together” because lately I don’t feel like I’ve got anything together. On several occasions this weekend I completely fell apart, I’ve never been the most confident person and I’m very dependent on others around me; this year I was pushed past the barriers I had unknowingly put on my leadership role, and realized I was depending on my own abilities or other people more than on God, and I just kept breaking. But through all those breakdowns God answered my prayer and every time I broke He had someone there to speak truth into my life. So today as I try to process this experience my perspective is lovely, I grew a lot, but this work is only starting, and even though what I see around me today is completely incomplete with a mess of broken pieces I know that God is faithful, and will finish putting me back together in His perfect timing, as for now I rest in the confidence that I am loved and that being in relationship with God is worth the hunger still growing inside me.
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