That’s How I Feel Sometimes

I’m a terrible, horrible, really bad person, or at least that’s how I feel sometimes. I really don’t like people… okay that not completely true; but people in general annoy me, and the ones that I do like I get jealous of for stupid reasons, like I said terrible, horrible really bad person, or maybe I’m just mopey. So where do I start, in all honesty I don’t want this blog to just be a whole lot of me complaining about my life, and maybe that’s part of the problem; I know that doesn’t make a lot of sense so I’ll try and explain. I’ve been feeling depressed lately, but I don’t want a blog full of my mopeyness, so instead I haven’t been writing anything at all which leads me to not processing any of my thoughts and then feeling more depressed because I don’t know what I’m thinking. So tonight might be a lot of rambling, or me being a terrible person, I’m not quite sure but that’s why I need to write.

 

The last time I wrote from my heart with no real direction in mind was about a month ago; I talked about the wall I’ve been building between me and the rest of the world. There are times now when it’s better, I can still feel the wall and I know its there but it’s almost as if there’s a window and I can see through it or even reach through it and get past the wall, but more often than not, I feel as if I’m just shutting down, that rather than reach through or try to climb the wall I would just like be alone and not have to deal with the people on the other side, and I know that’s a horrible way to feel, but that’s why I’m processing. You see I messed up somewhere. What comes to mind is the part in Prince Caspian when Lucy sees Aslan on the ridge, she tries to tell everyone that they need to follow him, but when they all agree to go the other way she gives up and goes with them, then later after they had to turn around and go back and Lucy sees him again and talks to him he says she now needs to go and wake everyone up and follow him and even if no one else comes she still needs to. Her task is harder now because she didn’t listen the first time, she could have gone without the others when she first saw Aslan and when she realizes this she starts to ask what would have happened and Aslans response is that no one is ever told what would, have happened. That’s kind of how I feel right now; I saw God standing somewhere in front of me and walked in the wrong direction anyway. A month ago I saw a wall starting to be built and I knew God wanted me to walk past it and follow Him to the other side, but instead I just let it grow bigger, made a blueprint with windows so if I really wanted to I could still touch the outside world, but now I’m not happy with the windows. And now instead of walking over a wall just beginning to be built I need to break it down completely. Then once its broken down I’m back to square one with living with people, only now there is that distance left over from the wall which makes everything that much harder, and I’ll never know just how different things might have been if I had listened the first time. So, with all that being said, thank you for dealing with my mopeyness and if you would, please pray for me, processing my thoughts really helped but now I need to break down a wall and possibly mend a few relationships, and I know God is with me, but I still feel like a terrible, horrible, really bad person sometimes and I’m not sure where exactly I need to start this next task