Even as I Write

I think about my future frequently; about what my life may be, could be or what I wish it was now that its not. I see other people so sure of where there’re at and where there’re going that I feel left out sometimes. Like what’s the deal God why do they get to see Your plan for their lives and I don’t get to see Your plan for mine. I’ve wondered constantly what it is I’m suppose to do with my life what should I focus on or pursue, should I be searching out new opportunities or waiting for them to find me, am I on the right page or is there more for me to do that I’m missing somehow?

And even as I write these words I hear the answer I’ve been hearing all along, just be faithful and wait. I don’t know the big picture; God’s plan for what my life holds, I don’t have a ten, five or even one year plan at the moment all I know is God’s plan is perfect; its not always fun, or pretty, its not usually easy and can be downright hard, sometimes its messy, confusing or even dark, but that’s all the more reason to trust in God. And thats all He is asking me to do, to look at today and be faithful stop searching for big opportunities and take hold of the small ones right here and right now and watch them grow.              

I’ve Been Quiet

I’ve been quiet. Almost nonexistent as far as this blog is concerned; I haven’t posted anything in the past month because I haven’t said anything worth saying. I’ve been drawing back from people again, or rather not making a serious effort to spend time with anyone I’m not already close to. Its not that I’m hiding or want to be alone its just well, I’m really ridiculously not good at small talk, questions like what have you been up to, or how’s work going are not enjoyable, I would even go so far as to say I may hate them.

 

I have no problem sharing my life, but the typical how are you question will almost all get you the typical “good” as a response. You see my life on the surface is dull and boring; I’m not even going to try to deny that. I don’t do much and work is well, work; repetitive, uninteresting and quite annoying at times, it’s a job I get paid to be there so I’m there. When I get asked the what have you been up to type questions I don’t have an answer, I wish that I did but I don’t and I hate that.

 

Because honestly for the past month I’ve wasted probably 80% of my free time on television or naps anther 5% felling bad that all I did was watch tv or nap and the rest is 50, 50 some times good or even great others, lets just say I maybe would have rather been at home watching tv or taking a nap. And here is where I say don’t get me wrong, I love spending quality time with people, living in adventure mode; filling my days with joy after joy or talking the night away about what makes life, life. These are the times I never want to end, but also the ones that go by the quickest and that’s a bit of a dilemma I don’t know how to solve, so I guess I need to just let I go and live.

 

 I’m about as good at that as I am with the whole small talk thing which leads right back to point one and me being all quiet. Because the truth behind the truth of my wonderful small talk skills is I’ve met several people I truly desire to know better, friends of friends or common acquaintances, people I know but have yet to get past the small talk phase with. And that’s the second dilemma of tonight’s little story, I don’t know how to turn this miserable, stupid, obnoxious small talk into real friendship and truly loving people when that’s all that I want it to be . But I guess that’s why it’s called a dilemma and my stopping point for today. Goodnight

Gentle Correction

I feel really awful right now; not physically sick but spiritually and emotionally gross. For some time now I feel as if I’ve been neglecting God. It’s weird because on the surface it looks like just the opposite, I’ve been in constant prayer asking for wisdom and strength; seeking direction and attempting to push through the days until the next season arrives, but somehow in the midst of things I’ve lost a closeness with my Father God and am feeling quite lonely.

It happened rather subtlety so I don’t really know where to start, first thing that comes to mind is that up until about an hour ago I don’t remember when the last time was I read my bible, but I would dare to say it’s more my daily behavior that truly pushed Him away. At some point in the past few months I ran into a wall of offences, there are many moments that come to mind and I do believe this could be the root of my problem.

Everything starts at some point; one thing at a time and my starting point belongs to one particular offense centering around one particular person. I’ve known for some time that dealings with this one person require me to be more patient; I don’t agree with most of the things they say, and I feel as though they see me to be less than who I am. They have been for some time now unknowingly and unintentionally rejecting and disrespecting me, so I decided to distance myself from them, but things have changed and that is not an option anymore.

I know that this problem is mostly in my head, and I know that this change which has pushed us together is all part of God’s plan, but up until now I had been resisting it. My reactions were poor and negative, I was only thinking of myself and how much I didn’t want to answer to this person, I forgot about the plan and rather than look at this as an opportunity for me to grow in patience and boldness I saw only the ways that it effected me and how much I would have to grow up and I ran from it right into offence.

With that first step into offence I opened a door that allowed negativity to flood my life. Once I let that one thing in the rest just started to pile up right along with it. This person annoys me, this one is being disrespectful, why do they have to act so stupid? I don’t want to deal with other peoples problems anymore. Leave me alone, I can’t listen to them talk for one more second, and why should I even attempt to help; they don’t care what I think and they never listen to me anyway.

I can see all the ways I behaved so badly. I play back moments in my mind where I talked bad about this person, or that situation, I can hear myself in constant complaint about being disrespected, looked down upon and ignored while all the while I’m analyzing the flaws of those around me and thinking about how much better I am than they are.

So what now? The answer is the same as always, and I’m running into the arms of my Father. I’ll say these words, I repent and please forgive me, but the next steps are the hardest. After months of gossip, complaint and constant negativity I need to face tomorrow as a new person; walk into this new day with a patient and humble heart. I know it won’t be easy, but I know where my strength comes from, and even though I don’t feel ready as all the world around me remains the same, staying where I was is no longer an option. God’s grace is sufficient and His guidance is true, so that is what I’m asking for, grace and guidance to be the person I was made to be.

Just My Life

Life has been rather blah lately, I haven’t been getting out much and work has been, well draining. I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships and how I seem to know a lot of people but, am close to very few; its not that I don’t want to open up its just I never seem to spend enough time with anyone to establish those deeper connections. You see when it comes to that whole love languages thing mine is quality time all the way, spending time with people is what makes me feel loved and feeling loved is what fills me up so that I can go and do and be.

When things are good they are really good, when I spend time with people and do stuff I’m more open to going and doing more, I make plans and an effort to go and do this or that, I end up being super busy for weeks or months at a time and even though I usually feel really tired, somewhere in the process of busyness I also get those moments of quality time that I need and they leave me really happy and filled up. But when its not like that it’s a double negative, when I start to feel lonely, all I want to do is be alone, I end up pulling away from people and I don’t want to do anything because I feel unloved, like I’m not worth being with, but when I feel alone and unloved it's because I’m not doing anything or loving anyone else.

So back to right now and I’m not getting out there, but don’t worry it’s not depression mode. I haven’t been making the effort to spend time with people, but I haven’t been pulling away either, I’m somewhere in the middle right now and I’ve been trying to pray a lot. For the most part God has been keeping me filled up, at least enough to keep me going. That is going but not doing or being. I’ve been making it through the days, but not really feeling happy with my own actions looking back at them.

This whole summer has been kind of off, there is so much stuff going on in my life that I don’t know how to process most of it. My mom and I are moving and finding a place has been quite a task; life at home just doesn’t feel like home. Lots of things are changing with the ministry I’m most involved in at church; not bad per say but it is more change and to be completely honest I‘m not really good with that. Work has been, well work, the hardest part of my job is working with the people I work with; some are great some are not and some just change from day to day and last week group dynamics were more like a warzone than a team sport, not fun. Add in the first summer in 7 years that I did not go to Cornerstone, the lack of mission trip this year and falling into the monotonous day to day routine known as life and this little girl is a little out of whack.

 

I’m not trying to complain, and I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. This is just my life, I’m tired and I don’t want to make the effort to live and be. All this stuff is small on its own, but much bigger when you put it all together, to much for me to deal with on my own, yet just enough for God to help me grow. And that’s just what He’s been doing, I may feel weak and drained from stress and change but I also feel stronger and smarter and almost ready for what God has next, because when it comes right down to it I know that this is just another season and the next one, well God must be preparing me for something, right? And that is just what I needed to see. The end

Run Away or Stay

I want to run away, but I also want to stay. I know that I want to do more with my life than the typical grow up, get a job, get married, have a family sort of plan; unfortunately I am very timid and rooted. I see my friends going across the Globe to minister to, and pour out God’s love on people and I think to myself if only I were different, if only I started when I was younger, if only I didn’t need to stay here. I tell myself that’s not God’s plan for me, I’m not gifted in evangelism, I’m not confident enough, I’m not this, I’m not that, I’m just not… I look at my life and I see responsibilities that fall to me; things I can’t run from or leave to someone else, things I can’t abandon and wouldn’t want to.

I see this ordinary life falling into place and wonder, is this what I’m suppose to do, is this who I’m suppose to be, is this how my life turns out? But with these questions there is hope and I know there’s more, because ordinary is what you make it. What seems common on the surface, monotonous, typical and altogether boring can be so much more. As far a traveling the world goes, I’ve done it before and will do it again, as far a pouring out God’s love, my heart breaks for the broken people I see all around me, and as far as gifts and calling, I’m still searching, but I know Who to look to.

I’d like to run away, find another home in some far off land being the hands and feet of Jesus to the world, in a place hungry and thirsty for His love, it’s a life of adventure, consumed with God’s presence and beyond what I could imagine. Or I take the harder path, I listen to the still small voice in my heart, that says not yet and be faithful. I’ll follow the road that keeps me here for a little while longer; the one of everyday and reality, the one consumed with family and work and the subtlety of God’s presence in an ordinary day, learn to be Jesus hands and feet in a culture turned off to the church, and oblivious to the fact they are starving and in need of a Savior. You see I want to run away, but I also want to stay.

This Little Light of Mine

What can I say about me and my life without making it seem like I’m completely lost, totally confused or my world is coming to an end? I’d like to believe I’m a pretty passionate person, that I care deeply about things and will stand up for what I believe in. but how do I show this passion, what makes me of all people different from everyone else in the world? What are theses things that I claim to believe and care so deeply for, what if anything would I be willing to fight for if I were challenged, do you know me, do you know what they are? If my view were questioned, what do I believe?

On a typical day my light does not always do justice to what it should, and most of the time I come across more like your average little church girl than anything else. But what is not so easily seen is that behind my good girl image are strong convictions that are more than just stereotypical religion. What drives me is not religion and the rules that follow, but rather the relationship available to me with my Creator through Christ. It’s this promise of relationship and the time I spend with Him that makes me, me.

And that brings me back to question number one of this post and why I always feel like a bit of a drama queen when I write. To be completely honest, my life is not all that interesting and pretty drama free most of the time. But you see this is my outlet, this blog as a whole, it’s my story, my view. My walk falls short of what I desire to be, and I suppose that’s why I write; to shine my light the best way I know how. You see, I know all the steps, all the motions to go through, but relationship is more than that, and writing is how I seek Him. I hope and pray that one day in the not so distant future, that my everyday moments will be as caught up in God as my writing is, but until that day comes all I can do is try my best and just continue walking and well, writing, I may not have it all together but hey that’s why I do what I do. I’m a writer so I’m writing cause that’s what writers do.

This Truth

1 Corinthians 13:6
Love does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth.

 

I’ve been trying to write about this verse for a few weeks now, but every time I start I get a few sentences in and then it starts to feel forced or shallow, and when writing about truth shallow is just well, false. So attempt number… don’t even ask and the question remains, what is truth?

 

I read something today, an analysis of a certain psalm, number 29 to be exact and the point that this writer made, the truth that any number of Christians overlook on a daily basis, the truth that’s hard to swallow but easy to forget, and it says GOD IS HOLY, but what is this truth and what does it really mean? You see, we sing these words in songs, and use them in our prayers, but how often do we fully taste their bittersweet truth.

 

I hope you’re still reading this, and I’m not really trying to go all gloom and doom on you, but truth isn’t always pretty, in fact, most of the time its messy, it’s the stuff that brings you down a notch when you feel you’ re on the top of the world and messes with your head when you think you’ve got things figured out, truth is the last thing you want to hear when you think you’re right and the hardest thing to take when you find you were wrong.

 

But love, why does love rejoice in the truth then? And that brings me back to this one, this truth of the God I call mine, and that’s the flaw, He belongs to no man, for He is Holy. The Old Testament, the first 39 books of the bible, the ones we often skip over or tell new Christians not to start with, the Old Testament is filled with this truth. Story after story of the Glory of God, story after story of His power, His strength, His judgment, wrath and His most wonderful Holiness; Moses shone with the glory of His presence, Isaiah feared death at the sight of His throne, Saul lost his kingdom for disregard of His Word, and over and over people died for entering into His presence without respect of His Holiness.

 

So where dose that leave us and, what about the New Testament; the stories we love to read, stuff of miracles, healings, grace, peace, hope, love, Jesus? What about all that, that’s truth too, right? And its newer, that must be the God I serve, right? The pretty One who forgives and blesses, I serve Jesus; the one who heals and delivers, Old Testament… wrath, judgment, that was before Jesus, it must be different now, Right?

 

But God is still Holy. And that is why we need Jesus to save us, the question; that big one, why did Jesus have to die? Because God is Holy.

 

“but we forget, with little difficulty, that it was God’s justice,the
necessity of holiness, that brought death to give life. It is His holiness that
required the shedding of blood, the losing of life, to be the only way to make things right. It was the turning of His back that darkened the
sky as our Christ breathed finality.

-David Crowder
Praise Habit

 

God is Holy, He can not look on sin, His holiness dose not allow it, and that is why Jesus had to die, His blood; the price for our sin and the soap that washes sin off, so that our Holy Father can look at us, this is the truth, the stuff that love rejoices in, its messy and beautiful, sad and joyous, it’s the definition of bittersweet, God is so Good that death is the price to draw near to Him, love rejoices in the truth.

Love Hopes All Things

1 Corinthians 13:7(Talking about love)

bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love hopes all things, and that’s where I start tonight. Well sort of, that’s what I want you to keep in mind tonight. But where I start is a little about me in the form of a classic question. You see I want to talk about hope, and that made me think of the whole glass half empty VS. glass half full scenario, but I honestly don’t know how I answer that question and its more than just a glass with water in it. The truth is I overanalyze probably 97.8% of my world, okay, yes I just pulled that number out on nowhere because I liked the way it sounded but I think you get the point. I’m analytical to a fault, so I can’t say “oh yeah, that glass is half full” and call myself an optimist or “no way its half empty” and acknowledge my pessimistic tendencies, because the truth is my analytical nature makes me much more of a realist, and can I have half a glass of water please. So as far as optimistic vs pessimistic goes I’m a pessimistic optimist or perhaps an optimistic pessimist if you prefer.

But back to love and hope, and you see this story starts in a place that may seem far from both those words. You may or may not remember I wrote on here a few months ago about the battles I’ve fought with depression; my lazy do nothing modes where my bed is my best friend and I just don’t know how to be happy or interested in the everyday happenings of this story we call life. Then last week as I was discussing past seasons in my life where depression reigned hard I was asked a question that shined a new light on this battle “have you ever thought it would be easier not to live?” and my answer has always been, no, and that’s the light.

Because as it all comes back to the way I see the world I’ve been abundantly blessed, to where even when I fall crashing down into one of those modes there still lies in my spirit a constant, persistent yet often quiet, hope. Some days as I’ve said before that hope may rest simply in the next time I get to rest but somehow it always remains, and more often than not its actually quite a bit stronger than you would expect from someone with a melancholy personality like me, because even when I can’t see it I know there is beauty in the world and even when I don’t get what I want I know God is faithful, so today may have been the worst day ever, but my eyes are on God and He knows the plans He has for me, plans filled with hope.

Philippians 4:8

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true,

whatever things are noble, whatever things are just,

whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely,

whatever things are of good report,

if there is any virtue and if there is anything

praiseworthy--meditate on these things.

So I guess in the end being in a relationship with God makes me more of an optimistic realist.

Love hopes all things

Just Trust Me

There are so many I want too’s in my life, but it seems as if I don’t really want them enough until moments like this; moments when work was on the verge of awful because you lost your patience and the only thing you seem to have going on in your life is a season of waiting, and a list. I want to work out, I want to play the guitar, I want to cook and bake and take care of a home, weird yes I actually want to clean but because its mine to take care of. I want to run, I want to sing, I want to write. I want to pray and worship with my whole heart, I want to be bold enough to speak my heart and loving enough to do it gracefully, I want to be joyful, live life with purpose and passion, and appreciate what God has done and is doing in every moment that crosses my path. I want to fall madly and passionately in love with the Creator of the world, His Son Jesus (my Savior) and the Holy Spirit; My God.

 

You see when it comes right down to it, I frequently question what it is I want to do with my life, I convince myself that my passions are weak and that I’m lost, that I don’t know what it is that I want. But the truth is, that that list up there is only the beginning of what God sees for me and if I’m lost its because I’m not paying attention or I’m being impatient and can’t see what right in front of my face. Because sometimes when it seems like God isn’t telling you what to do its because what He’s really saying is, “wait here, open your eyes and be faithful with what you see right in front of you, the rest of this stuff that you want is tomorrow, and its not time for that yet so don’t worry, just trust Me.”

Suffers Long or Longsuffering

Today I reached a breaking point; of stress or emotional exhaustion or I don’t even know what except that I broke, it was one of those I can’t do this anymore I think I’ll just sit on my bed a cry moments, so as I prayed/cried I was thinking about love and how all I really want to do I walk in God’s love, be filled to overflowing and constantly giving it out to the people around me, but how, for at least the past few weeks I’ve been continually failing that task.

 

It was in that moment I felt the need to read 1 Corinthians 13, after doing so I decided that I wanted to write about almost everything in the chapter but its too much for one blog and one night so, I’m gonna take it one day at a time.

 

So for today, what stuck out to me was this; one line from verse 4 “Love suffers long and is kind;” I decided to look this up in my concordance because I was thinking that love suffers long was longsuffering and I wanted to know what it said about longsuffering, but what I found was even cooler. You see what I found out was that suffers long and longsuffering are actually two different Greek words; they have the same root and mean pretty much the same thing, in fact the only real difference I could see between the two was the way they were being used, but that is the really cool part, the first word makrothymeō suffers long is used in the being form like to be patient, the second word makrothymia longsuffering is used in the having form simply something you can posses like patience. And I love that this verse uses the being form.

 

After discovering all this really neat info I decided to read the verse again and found one more really awesome insight if you will. Or at least it was a wow discovery to me; because I realized that most of the time while reading this verse I was saying it wrong. Usually when I read it I would say “love is patient, love is kind” but that’s not how it goes at all what it says is love is patient and kind or as my version says love suffers long and is kind, you get it? If not, well that’s okay, what I saw today is that kind is a description of the way that love suffers. Just think about that. Goodnight.

All I Need to do is Follow

I’m currently working on a message for youth group Tuesday night about faith and faithfulness; the idea of blind faith and that sometimes all you need is faith in God to guide your steps and everything will be okay. The tricky part is that so far the only point I know I want to convey is that it’s okay to not know where you are going so long as you follow God. And so far I don’t know where I’m going with this message yet except that I’m asking God to guide me. I know if I continue to seek God that He will give me His words and everything will come together in a truly beautiful way, (yeah that’s the faith I want to share)

 

But unfortunately as my sister so poignantly put it a few weeks ago I am naturally a Martha McRae, and this week that seems to have reigned true, I was moody and argumentative, with a general outlook of gloom probably 82% of the time, I slept too much and prayed too little and tried to hard to fix myself by myself because I could see the whole time how terribly wrong I was going; needless to say that did not work so well and by the time I was talking/praying with Amy Thursday night I could feel that I was drained. And then I continued to try and work this message out, and for the past few days I’ve been thinking I really need to work on my message and Tuesday only blank # of days away now and I don’t know what I’m doing yet, and then every time I took the time to work on it I had nothing and I didn’t know where to start.

 

But I do know better than that, because even though I was and am still drained, I know that God will fill me up as I spend time with Him, and I know He will give me His words for His children. This may be a fight, but this, right here right now is me choosing to be more like Mary, this is me seeking that spot at Jesus feet, and asking God to fill me up, prepare me, guide me and remind me that sometimes it’s okay to not know where I am going because He has this whole thing worked out and all I need to do is follow.

Still Thinking About the Boy

I turned 23 yesterday; birthdays are great and a lot of people made me feel really special, but truth be told I don’t feel much different age wise, I mean it’s just one more day and it’s not like all of the sudden I’m a different person because I’m now older, but at the same time being that one number older does make me think about where my life is and where I thought I would have been by this age when I was younger. I mean if you had asked me when I was in high school where I thought I would be when I turned 23 the story I would have laid out for you would not have looked like my life does today, most obvious difference? I thought I would be married by now or at least in a serious relationship leading to marriage. But that’s just not the way things turned out. Don’t get me wrong I’m okay with that most of the time, but what can I say I’m still thinking about the boy, honestly more this week (month) than I have in a long time, because every now and then I wish I were just your average girl who was okay with just dating a guy, but that’s just not how my story goes.

 

You see I made a decision a long time ago that I wouldn’t date, at first it was really just a thought, a feeling that my first boyfriend would probably be the guy I marry, but then over time it became more of a real decision, a decision that I don’t need to date to find my husband, that really I don’t need to “find” him at all. I trust God, His timing is perfect, His plans are perfect, so, I pray, I pray for this guy, the one that God knows and I don’t, my other half, if you want to call him that, not that I find him, but that God prepare us for each other and lead us together in His perfect way. And the thing is I’ve reached the point in this decision where I couldn’t go looking for him if I wanted to, I know I can’t rush it, I’m not desperate and I don’t fear growing old alone. I have done my best on giving this one to God, all that’s left for me to do is wait, and pray and every now and then just run back to God when I start to feel lonely or crushy or just flat out tired of the whole being single thing and when I do He gives me grace to keep waiting. And I know this may sound like a crazy point of view but what can I say that’s just the way I see the world when it comes to me, and dating.

Examples and Life

I feel like I’ve been a really horrible person this past week. Example number one, being lazy; there are many, many things that I really desire to do, the list includes leaning to play the guitar, starting an exercise routine, reading more, writing more and just plain making better use of my time. The unfortunate fact of the matter is that as of late I have not been making any effort to do any of the wonderful things on that list up there, instead I’ve been making excuses to myself and just keep putting them off.

Example number two, being mean. This past week at work was really good, and kind of awful at the same time; I recently started working with a different group of people than I had been up until now, the new group that I now work with is great, I get along better with them, we talk a lot more and in general it’s been more fun, the one downside of our group connecting so well with each other and being able to joke around is that we’re pulling away from our other co-workers and talking about them behind their backs. I know its wrong and the past few days I felt convicted about it but I still couldn’t stop myself from continuing the jokes we started.

Example number three, being offended. Last weekend my mom and I talked over our budget, we’ve been wanting to move for some time now and were discussing what we needed to do to achieve said goal. A few days after our talk we found out our timeline had to be moved up due to circumstances beyond our control, its no big deal we were already trying to find the best option to move and it looks as though God is showing us exactly where we need to be, but if I’m completely honest it did not sit well with me when I heard the words you need to leave asap.

Example number four, being distant. I’ve been trying to pray all week, but all week I’ve felt really far away; like some part of me isn’t all there, my mind is distracted, my heart is out of focus and I just can’t seem to fully enter in. And when I think about the way I’ve been interacting with people it’s the same there too, if you were to ask me how I am, I would probably say “good”, it’s not a lie, but its not the full truth either, I just don’t know the words that need to be said and I don’t feel the pull to fully engage with the world right now.

But the true truth, the point that I’ve reached after writing this today, is that I may have acted horrible but that does not mean that I am a horrible person, rather I am simply a person; a flawed human being, who struggles sometimes and gives in to what we Christians call ‘flesh", but I’m more than that too, I am a child of God, a beloved daughter of the King of kings, I am a beautiful creation of God; fearfully and wonderfully made, I am a follower of Christ redeemed by His blood and nothing that I ever do can separate me from His love. At the end of the day I may still have battles to fight but I know who I am in God and nothing can change what that is.

That Girl

“Want to know where your heart is? Watch where your mind goes when you daydream” one of my friends posted this on her facebook last week and it really made me think so I decided to write about it cause that’s what I do. I daydream more than I would like, and unfortunately the subject of said daydreams is not exactly what I want my heart to be focused on, its nothing bad just not what I would choose to be at the top of my priority list; its no place in particular, no specific adventure, not even a specific person per say, it’s simply an idealistic love story; meeting that one person God has picked out for me, and him telling me exactly what I’ve always wanted to hear. It’s silly really when I think about it, I mean daydreams sure, I want to fall in love no question about that but to say this is where my heart is, I’m not a fan.

 

I don’t want to be that girl, you know, the one who can’t function without the guy, or worse yet, the one who is so focused on finding “the one” she misses out on all the other awesomeness life has to offer. I think I can say for the most part I’m not her; I’m not going crazy looking for my husband; I trust God in that. I don’t need a guy to love me to be loved; God takes care of that one too. But some days, some days I feel like I’m still waiting for my life to start, like so much of my future involves another person I wonder how it is that I can decided where I’m going. On those days I become that girl, and when I think about it I’m not okay with that. I want to change those daydreams because that’s not where I want me heart to be, because when my heart’s there I miss out on all the other awesomeness my life has to offer.

 

So how do I do it; change these daydreams to something better, and stop thinking about the boy? I guess for starters I should decided where it is exactly I want to send my heart; I see a few good options, the top of the list including Guatemala, and other mission trips, music, books, writing and Jesus feet. I think I’ll go with the latter and focus on seeking God’s heart. In Matthew chapter 6 Jesus says not to worry about stuff or what will happen tomorrow (I’m paraphrasing) but to “seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.” You see that’s where I want my heart to reside; I want to be that girl, you know, the one who is so caught up in following God, seeking His truth, and being in a relationship with Him that everyday is new; full of purpose and adventure. That everything is beautiful because God created it, and everyone is valuable because God loves them. And when the guy she has been waiting for enters her life God will still be her number one because it is God who holds her heart. Yeah, that’s more the type of girl I want to be.

Understanding the Battle

This past month has been kind of difficult for me; I was sick or in pain for about three weeks straight and am only just beginning to be over it. With all that sickness I gave myself permission to be lazy, I decided I would spend the afternoon in bed because I was tired, which slowly turned into I don’t want to do anything so I’ll be lazy just because I can, which then became I don’t want to see anybody or talk to anybody and then when I did want to see or talk to someone I had nothing to say because I spent the rest of my time doing nothing.

 I realized a day or two ago that this whole I feel sick so I’m gonna be lazy thing was no longer because I was feeling sick and the honest truth was that I was depressed. I can blame it on my personality type, but the fact is its something I fall into a lot more frequently than I would like, I’m aware of it and God is working me through it and eventually I wont be falling into it anymore (and yes I’m speaking that in faith, and I trust God to bring it to pass and that I will be filled to overflowing with His joy) but right now I’d like to deal with right now. Like I said when I get like that I just go into lazy mode, I don’t want to do anything or see anyone, I’d rather just be alone. When I wake up in the morning I look forward to the next time I get to go to bed. When I’m around people I have nothing to say or want to say , when I’m alone I don’t want to think; or I don’t know what I’m thinking at all, I don’t write because from my perspective my life is dull and boring and there is no story to tell. This is my depression mode, and the awareness of it is my testimony.

 I’ve said it before, admitted that in my past (when I was in high school) I was depressed, back then I didn’t know it, back then I wasn’t in a real true relationship with God. Yes this past month has been hard, yes I distanced myself from people, became as boring as I thought I was and missed out on a lot of joy. But I’m coming out of it now, through all of this I kept seeking God and I feel closer to Him, He is working with me as I walk through this, telling me to seek His joy, appreciate what’s happening now and not worry about what will or wont be happing tomorrow, telling me I’m healed even when it doesn’t feel that way. This past month kinda sucked and I wasted a lot of perfectly good moments, but tonight I can honestly say, after writing all this down I better understand the battle I’ve been fighting and that brings me just that much more joy.                             

Consuming Thoughts

I’ve been focusing way more on myself this month than I want to, I’ve been learning and growing and that’s all wonderful and beautiful but I still feel like my life is just that, mine, and all I want is to share it with others and take the attention off myself. For the past week my thoughts have been consumed with the words pride and humility. Pride is the battle that I fight, and the foundational bricks of the wall that separates me from sharing life with the rest of the world. Humility is the finish line of a race that seems too long to complete. As a follower of Christ desiring to be in relationship with God I want to be humble. As an overly sensitive, analytical human being my world revolves around how I feel and what others think of me. What do I need to do to change these things? How do I keep fighting this battle without constantly looking at myself? I don’t know the answers to these questions, but somehow I feel that a step in the right direction, I can’t do this on my own, but that seems to be the point. I’m going to stop there in an attempt not to overanalyze the subject any further, but in doing so, I also pray that God will open my eyes to His truth on the matter and guide my steps to be who I truly desire to be; one who follows Him with humility and thinks of others more than myself.

 

Adventure and Rest

What are the things I put higher on my priority list than God? I very briefly touched on this question in my last post, and then this morning my wonderful sister posted a priority list on her blog and it made me want to talk more about this question and how it relates to my life. To tell the truth I can’t easily pin point specific things that draw me away from God, so for me this question is less about what comes ahead of God and more about why am I not making the time for Him? In a way it’s not about the list at all but rather my neglect for what is on said list. I wrote yesterday that our lives get busy and consumed with have-tos, I believe this statement to be true, and that it is also frequently the cause of my neglect, if only in the sense that when my day is not full of have-tos it is lost in laziness. When this happens, it becomes a matter of rebelling against time and when I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do anything either, or worse the things that I truly desire to do such as worship, pray of write become in their own way have-tos because of the appeal of the laziness I think I want. So what can I learn from these conclusions and how do I make a list of priorities without making a new list of have-tos? I believe the answer comes in the form of balance; and a matter of finding that fine line between busy and lazy that runs the smoother course I’d like to call adventure and rest. With that in mind I would actually like to make a short list of my own; things that I desire not to neglect any longer.

My list of want-tos

Seeking God and His truth

Being a good friend and living life with others more frequently than by myself

Reading and writing

Looking for beauty in simplicity and finding purpose in, and appreciating each day because God made it

Baby Steps

Today I was listening to the song “Give us clean hands”, well that is it came up on my playlist while I was a work and the words caught my attention for some reason. I’ve heard the song probably hundreds of times but today when I heard the line “we cast down our idols” I started thinking about what idols I might need to be casting down; what are the things that I place higher on my priority list than God? Or whose opinion do I value more than God’s? I know that I get caught up on the first question, lives get busy and consumed with have tos that become priorities over prayer and worship and altogether seeking God, but today my heart and mind wish to more thoroughly examine the second question, whose opinion am I placing above the opinion of God in my life?

A month or so ago I broke down crying over the way I felt I was being treated by someone and how I thought they didn’t think I was good enough at something, later that night when I was discussing the situation with a friend she made the statement slash question, you know your value doesn’t come from what other people think of you? At first I shrugged it off with my reflex yes, but when she said it again I realized that was exactly what I had been doing and all I could do was cry. I would love to say it stopped then and there and that I don’t care what other people think of me but truth be told that was only the beginning, that night she opened my eyes to a lie my pride likes to reside in, but this past week that same lie in that same pride resurfaced once again and I bought it longer than I would have liked.

The story goes a little something like this; I was getting upset because I wasn’t getting to do what I wanted to do in the group, I knew my attitude was wrong but the lie was holding on tight and in my pride I didn’t want to admit that I might be the one stepping out of line. I was causing a lot of division where there should have been unity, to the point where I needed to be told to talk to someone and straighten out whatever was going on between us. At that point I knew there was something really wrong, but I still didn’t understand why I was so upset then during prayer it hit me and I started crying when someone began saying how much everyone in the group was appreciated and belonged there and stuff like that. In the end I realized that I was being defensive because I was feeling underappreciated. I was once again taking the perceived opinions of others to a level higher than God’s, after that I apologized for my actions and the way I behaved, I admitted my own pride and was truly thankful for being humbled. It was a beautiful moment and as hard as it was to live through I’m glad it happened, but I know it’s still not the end and from my view these still feel like baby steps I’m taking, but I think it’s worth the walk, and the pain that sometimes comes with the falls.    

Simple Beauty

Today was beautiful. Last night I stayed out way past my bedtime enjoying the wonderful adventure known as friendship; against my better judgment I decided to stay out past midnight even though work starts at 6am. I’ve done this before and I knew I would survive, but the lack of sleep usually causes me to have to endure through an achy, sick feeling for 8 hours of work followed by the sleeping away of my whole evening when I get home. But as I said today was beautiful.

When my alarm was telling me to get up at 5 I felt better than expected; as I got out of bed I was in fact achy, however I believe that may have been the result of the game we were playing at midnight and not the fact that it was midnight when we were playing it, I proceeded to eat breakfast and was leaving for work earlier than I do most days. As I arrived at work I was yawning but did not feel sick, in the next few minuets I found that two of the girls I work with called in sick and we would be running a person short for the day which could have been awful but  turned out great and our line ran better than it has in quite some time, then at break one of my co-workers gave me a nutty bar, I was very touched by the gesture, I love nutty bars, just about anything chocolate and peanut butter actually, it was wonderful.

Long story short work went really well and there was no sick feeling to endure for 8 hours just some slight tiredness but I consider that a victory. Victory number two for the day came when I got home from work because even though I’m sure I could have gone right to sleep I was able to resist, accomplishment for the afternoon and evening include, prayer time, bible time, getting my laundry done for the week and reading a good 7-8 chapters in a really good book, complimented by a simple dinner of two cheese tortillas which seemed to fit this day perfectly. It is now about 9 o’clock and I’m ready to head off to bed, but I really wanted to write so there it is the only other thing to say is that for this moment I am more than thankful for God showing me the simple beauty of this day and I pray He dose the same for you.                            

Prayer and What it Does to Me

My mind is filled with thoughts; thoughts that desire to be words, but don’t know how to find their way to this page,,, before I started writing I spent 30 to 45 minuets praying for people whom I share life with; its something I’ve been trying to do all year, soooo for about a week now. Its funny I keep telling myself that I didn’t make any new years resolutions, but when I think about all the things I’ve been trying to do since the new year started I actually made a lot of them, but that’s not the point, the point is one of my non resolutions is to pray for others more frequently.

You see, the last few months, I was beginning to be annoyed with myself, I was feeling really self-centered and lonely because I was cutting myself off from people, but I already wrote about that so that’s not the point either. Point is I decided in an attempt to connect with people and really see them for who they are, I would begin to pray for them with no other purpose but to bless them, because God loves them and made them and they are beautiful. So today, I decided that I wanted to pray for the people I work with because, my day was not good or bad but I did experience one moment of complete loneliness for no reason at all really, and since in that moment I felt far from all the people that surrounded me I knew it was time to pray for them. But I’m sorry to say that, that is not the point either.

The true point that really super long intro was to say, while I was praying God opened my eyes a little tiny bit to see the person I was praying for, or maybe not to see them but to see the way I was looking at them. Maybe this is just for me I don’t really know, but you see, I was going through the list of people that I work with that I wanted to pray for in my head and I came across one of those people that I really like but don’t really know and as I started to pray I felt the need to say “I don’t really know them” and as I said those words at the same time I was half thinking half saying that I do sort of and God was like, you see what you want them to be how you want to see it, and their not the only one you do that with. And I was like whoa and that’s right and how do I stop doing it and I just kept praying, and after that by praying with the knowledge that I don’t know this person not really at all, I was able to releases the false connection that I had made with them in my head to God and maybe really bless this person or possibly open the door to be able to more truly connect with them at a later date, maybe I don’t know. I’m sorry this blog turned out to be so very long but I found that moment to be truly beautiful and I wanted to share. Just more of God’s gentle corrections I guess : )     

This Purpose

What is my view? Where is my voice? And who am I? Somewhere over a year ago I spent an afternoon at a coffee shop discussing that last question. I don’t remember exactly how that conversation went but some of the thoughts exchanged that day are now part of the way I view the world. I remember we talked a lot about worship, mainly because if you don’t know anything else about who you are and if you never find more purpose in the world, you were created to worship God. I feel as though I need to admit that lately I’ve fallen desperately short of this purpose. I found that God was asking me to lay my dreams at His feet, then when He pushed enough for me to finally let go of those things, what I saw left behind were broken pieces. Then my pride got the best of me and instead of looking into God’s eyes to see myself, I was grasping for the broken bits that lay on the ground between us; I spent months looking at a broken mirror to find my identity, and that is where I lost it. So where does all this lead me? Tonight, I find my voice again in God’s gentle correction as I write what He tells me about myself, I find my view as He reminds me where to look, and I find my identity as I lift my eyes from the ground, but more than all of that I remember, the purpose in all things is to worship God.         

Dear 2010

In all reality I should probably have written this blog yesterday, but I was feeling rather lazy and only thought about writing it, and really that may not even be true because as I think now I find that the inspiration for this blog seems to have come from something I read on facebook when I got home at 2 o’clock this morning, but I’m going to write it anyway.

Dear 2010, you were a wonderful year; the life that I lived during you has made me who I am today, that life was filled with more beauty and joy than I can remember and I think you may be my favorite year. What follows is a short list of memories and things that brought much joy to my life in the year 2010… my 2010joy list is as follows

All the people whom I love and shared adventures with

The first time I taught at Revolution

Michal’s blog

Mom bringing me lunch at work on my birthday

Writing

Pizza Hut (The first time I met Amy)

Cornerstone

-the ember days worship

-flatfoot shark pit

-spending the week with my sister

Jumpin’ Java & Lemonjello’s

Praying with Amy

Guatemala

-to much to list

July 4th with my friends

Walking the pier this summer

Sleepovers with Amy

Applebees after church

Coast Guard weekend

Apples to Apples

Staying up way to late to be with friends

Learning what true friendship can be

Singing at Revolution

Reading some really great books including

-the Chronicles of Narnia

-Blue like Jazz

-the Shack

-and Mere Christianity, just to name a few

The Uprising year two

Making my first scrappy monster

Saturday mornings with Michal

Holidays

Growing closer to God

I’m sure if I tried I could make it longer but I am choosing to stop there, last year was beautiful and full of adventure and friendship, but you can’t live life in the past so I am thankful for my year and I keep moving forward, today on January 1, 2011 I make no new years resolutions, I only pray that in this new year God opens my eyes even more, teaches me more of His truth and guides me to newer and even more lovely adventures than I have yet known, that He would be my joy.