Gentle Correction

I feel really awful right now; not physically sick but spiritually and emotionally gross. For some time now I feel as if I’ve been neglecting God. It’s weird because on the surface it looks like just the opposite, I’ve been in constant prayer asking for wisdom and strength; seeking direction and attempting to push through the days until the next season arrives, but somehow in the midst of things I’ve lost a closeness with my Father God and am feeling quite lonely.

It happened rather subtlety so I don’t really know where to start, first thing that comes to mind is that up until about an hour ago I don’t remember when the last time was I read my bible, but I would dare to say it’s more my daily behavior that truly pushed Him away. At some point in the past few months I ran into a wall of offences, there are many moments that come to mind and I do believe this could be the root of my problem.

Everything starts at some point; one thing at a time and my starting point belongs to one particular offense centering around one particular person. I’ve known for some time that dealings with this one person require me to be more patient; I don’t agree with most of the things they say, and I feel as though they see me to be less than who I am. They have been for some time now unknowingly and unintentionally rejecting and disrespecting me, so I decided to distance myself from them, but things have changed and that is not an option anymore.

I know that this problem is mostly in my head, and I know that this change which has pushed us together is all part of God’s plan, but up until now I had been resisting it. My reactions were poor and negative, I was only thinking of myself and how much I didn’t want to answer to this person, I forgot about the plan and rather than look at this as an opportunity for me to grow in patience and boldness I saw only the ways that it effected me and how much I would have to grow up and I ran from it right into offence.

With that first step into offence I opened a door that allowed negativity to flood my life. Once I let that one thing in the rest just started to pile up right along with it. This person annoys me, this one is being disrespectful, why do they have to act so stupid? I don’t want to deal with other peoples problems anymore. Leave me alone, I can’t listen to them talk for one more second, and why should I even attempt to help; they don’t care what I think and they never listen to me anyway.

I can see all the ways I behaved so badly. I play back moments in my mind where I talked bad about this person, or that situation, I can hear myself in constant complaint about being disrespected, looked down upon and ignored while all the while I’m analyzing the flaws of those around me and thinking about how much better I am than they are.

So what now? The answer is the same as always, and I’m running into the arms of my Father. I’ll say these words, I repent and please forgive me, but the next steps are the hardest. After months of gossip, complaint and constant negativity I need to face tomorrow as a new person; walk into this new day with a patient and humble heart. I know it won’t be easy, but I know where my strength comes from, and even though I don’t feel ready as all the world around me remains the same, staying where I was is no longer an option. God’s grace is sufficient and His guidance is true, so that is what I’m asking for, grace and guidance to be the person I was made to be.