Just My Life

Life has been rather blah lately, I haven’t been getting out much and work has been, well draining. I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships and how I seem to know a lot of people but, am close to very few; its not that I don’t want to open up its just I never seem to spend enough time with anyone to establish those deeper connections. You see when it comes to that whole love languages thing mine is quality time all the way, spending time with people is what makes me feel loved and feeling loved is what fills me up so that I can go and do and be.

When things are good they are really good, when I spend time with people and do stuff I’m more open to going and doing more, I make plans and an effort to go and do this or that, I end up being super busy for weeks or months at a time and even though I usually feel really tired, somewhere in the process of busyness I also get those moments of quality time that I need and they leave me really happy and filled up. But when its not like that it’s a double negative, when I start to feel lonely, all I want to do is be alone, I end up pulling away from people and I don’t want to do anything because I feel unloved, like I’m not worth being with, but when I feel alone and unloved it's because I’m not doing anything or loving anyone else.

So back to right now and I’m not getting out there, but don’t worry it’s not depression mode. I haven’t been making the effort to spend time with people, but I haven’t been pulling away either, I’m somewhere in the middle right now and I’ve been trying to pray a lot. For the most part God has been keeping me filled up, at least enough to keep me going. That is going but not doing or being. I’ve been making it through the days, but not really feeling happy with my own actions looking back at them.

This whole summer has been kind of off, there is so much stuff going on in my life that I don’t know how to process most of it. My mom and I are moving and finding a place has been quite a task; life at home just doesn’t feel like home. Lots of things are changing with the ministry I’m most involved in at church; not bad per say but it is more change and to be completely honest I‘m not really good with that. Work has been, well work, the hardest part of my job is working with the people I work with; some are great some are not and some just change from day to day and last week group dynamics were more like a warzone than a team sport, not fun. Add in the first summer in 7 years that I did not go to Cornerstone, the lack of mission trip this year and falling into the monotonous day to day routine known as life and this little girl is a little out of whack.

 

I’m not trying to complain, and I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. This is just my life, I’m tired and I don’t want to make the effort to live and be. All this stuff is small on its own, but much bigger when you put it all together, to much for me to deal with on my own, yet just enough for God to help me grow. And that’s just what He’s been doing, I may feel weak and drained from stress and change but I also feel stronger and smarter and almost ready for what God has next, because when it comes right down to it I know that this is just another season and the next one, well God must be preparing me for something, right? And that is just what I needed to see. The end