I’ve been focusing way more on myself this month than I want to, I’ve been learning and growing and that’s all wonderful and beautiful but I still feel like my life is just that, mine, and all I want is to share it with others and take the attention off myself. For the past week my thoughts have been consumed with the words pride and humility. Pride is the battle that I fight, and the foundational bricks of the wall that separates me from sharing life with the rest of the world. Humility is the finish line of a race that seems too long to complete. As a follower of Christ desiring to be in relationship with God I want to be humble. As an overly sensitive, analytical human being my world revolves around how I feel and what others think of me. What do I need to do to change these things? How do I keep fighting this battle without constantly looking at myself? I don’t know the answers to these questions, but somehow I feel that a step in the right direction, I can’t do this on my own, but that seems to be the point. I’m going to stop there in an attempt not to overanalyze the subject any further, but in doing so, I also pray that God will open my eyes to His truth on the matter and guide my steps to be who I truly desire to be; one who follows Him with humility and thinks of others more than myself.
Sunday, January 16, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
Adventure and Rest
What are the things I put higher on my priority list than God? I very briefly touched on this question in my last post, and then this morning my wonderful sister posted a priority list on her blog and it made me want to talk more about this question and how it relates to my life. To tell the truth I can’t easily pin point specific things that draw me away from God, so for me this question is less about what comes ahead of God and more about why am I not making the time for Him? In a way it’s not about the list at all but rather my neglect for what is on said list. I wrote yesterday that our lives get busy and consumed with have-tos, I believe this statement to be true, and that it is also frequently the cause of my neglect, if only in the sense that when my day is not full of have-tos it is lost in laziness. When this happens, it becomes a matter of rebelling against time and when I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do anything either, or worse the things that I truly desire to do such as worship, pray of write become in their own way have-tos because of the appeal of the laziness I think I want. So what can I learn from these conclusions and how do I make a list of priorities without making a new list of have-tos? I believe the answer comes in the form of balance; and a matter of finding that fine line between busy and lazy that runs the smoother course I’d like to call adventure and rest. With that in mind I would actually like to make a short list of my own; things that I desire not to neglect any longer.
My list of want-tos
Seeking God and His truth
Being a good friend and living life with others more frequently than by myself
Reading and writing
Looking for beauty in simplicity and finding purpose in, and appreciating each day because God made it
Friday, January 14, 2011
Baby Steps
Today I was listening to the song “Give us clean hands”, well that is it came up on my playlist while I was a work and the words caught my attention for some reason. I’ve heard the song probably hundreds of times but today when I heard the line “we cast down our idols” I started thinking about what idols I might need to be casting down; what are the things that I place higher on my priority list than God? Or whose opinion do I value more than God’s? I know that I get caught up on the first question, lives get busy and consumed with have tos that become priorities over prayer and worship and altogether seeking God, but today my heart and mind wish to more thoroughly examine the second question, whose opinion am I placing above the opinion of God in my life?
A month or so ago I broke down crying over the way I felt I was being treated by someone and how I thought they didn’t think I was good enough at something, later that night when I was discussing the situation with a friend she made the statement slash question, you know your value doesn’t come from what other people think of you? At first I shrugged it off with my reflex yes, but when she said it again I realized that was exactly what I had been doing and all I could do was cry. I would love to say it stopped then and there and that I don’t care what other people think of me but truth be told that was only the beginning, that night she opened my eyes to a lie my pride likes to reside in, but this past week that same lie in that same pride resurfaced once again and I bought it longer than I would have liked.
The story goes a little something like this; I was getting upset because I wasn’t getting to do what I wanted to do in the group, I knew my attitude was wrong but the lie was holding on tight and in my pride I didn’t want to admit that I might be the one stepping out of line. I was causing a lot of division where there should have been unity, to the point where I needed to be told to talk to someone and straighten out whatever was going on between us. At that point I knew there was something really wrong, but I still didn’t understand why I was so upset then during prayer it hit me and I started crying when someone began saying how much everyone in the group was appreciated and belonged there and stuff like that. In the end I realized that I was being defensive because I was feeling underappreciated. I was once again taking the perceived opinions of others to a level higher than God’s, after that I apologized for my actions and the way I behaved, I admitted my own pride and was truly thankful for being humbled. It was a beautiful moment and as hard as it was to live through I’m glad it happened, but I know it’s still not the end and from my view these still feel like baby steps I’m taking, but I think it’s worth the walk, and the pain that sometimes comes with the falls.
A month or so ago I broke down crying over the way I felt I was being treated by someone and how I thought they didn’t think I was good enough at something, later that night when I was discussing the situation with a friend she made the statement slash question, you know your value doesn’t come from what other people think of you? At first I shrugged it off with my reflex yes, but when she said it again I realized that was exactly what I had been doing and all I could do was cry. I would love to say it stopped then and there and that I don’t care what other people think of me but truth be told that was only the beginning, that night she opened my eyes to a lie my pride likes to reside in, but this past week that same lie in that same pride resurfaced once again and I bought it longer than I would have liked.
The story goes a little something like this; I was getting upset because I wasn’t getting to do what I wanted to do in the group, I knew my attitude was wrong but the lie was holding on tight and in my pride I didn’t want to admit that I might be the one stepping out of line. I was causing a lot of division where there should have been unity, to the point where I needed to be told to talk to someone and straighten out whatever was going on between us. At that point I knew there was something really wrong, but I still didn’t understand why I was so upset then during prayer it hit me and I started crying when someone began saying how much everyone in the group was appreciated and belonged there and stuff like that. In the end I realized that I was being defensive because I was feeling underappreciated. I was once again taking the perceived opinions of others to a level higher than God’s, after that I apologized for my actions and the way I behaved, I admitted my own pride and was truly thankful for being humbled. It was a beautiful moment and as hard as it was to live through I’m glad it happened, but I know it’s still not the end and from my view these still feel like baby steps I’m taking, but I think it’s worth the walk, and the pain that sometimes comes with the falls.
Monday, January 10, 2011
Simple Beauty
Today was beautiful. Last night I stayed out way past my bedtime enjoying the wonderful adventure known as friendship; against my better judgment I decided to stay out past midnight even though work starts at 6am. I’ve done this before and I knew I would survive, but the lack of sleep usually causes me to have to endure through an achy, sick feeling for 8 hours of work followed by the sleeping away of my whole evening when I get home. But as I said today was beautiful.
When my alarm was telling me to get up at 5 I felt better than expected; as I got out of bed I was in fact achy, however I believe that may have been the result of the game we were playing at midnight and not the fact that it was midnight when we were playing it, I proceeded to eat breakfast and was leaving for work earlier than I do most days. As I arrived at work I was yawning but did not feel sick, in the next few minuets I found that two of the girls I work with called in sick and we would be running a person short for the day which could have been awful but turned out great and our line ran better than it has in quite some time, then at break one of my co-workers gave me a nutty bar, I was very touched by the gesture, I love nutty bars, just about anything chocolate and peanut butter actually, it was wonderful.
Long story short work went really well and there was no sick feeling to endure for 8 hours just some slight tiredness but I consider that a victory. Victory number two for the day came when I got home from work because even though I’m sure I could have gone right to sleep I was able to resist, accomplishment for the afternoon and evening include, prayer time, bible time, getting my laundry done for the week and reading a good 7-8 chapters in a really good book, complimented by a simple dinner of two cheese tortillas which seemed to fit this day perfectly. It is now about 9 o’clock and I’m ready to head off to bed, but I really wanted to write so there it is the only other thing to say is that for this moment I am more than thankful for God showing me the simple beauty of this day and I pray He dose the same for you.
When my alarm was telling me to get up at 5 I felt better than expected; as I got out of bed I was in fact achy, however I believe that may have been the result of the game we were playing at midnight and not the fact that it was midnight when we were playing it, I proceeded to eat breakfast and was leaving for work earlier than I do most days. As I arrived at work I was yawning but did not feel sick, in the next few minuets I found that two of the girls I work with called in sick and we would be running a person short for the day which could have been awful but turned out great and our line ran better than it has in quite some time, then at break one of my co-workers gave me a nutty bar, I was very touched by the gesture, I love nutty bars, just about anything chocolate and peanut butter actually, it was wonderful.
Long story short work went really well and there was no sick feeling to endure for 8 hours just some slight tiredness but I consider that a victory. Victory number two for the day came when I got home from work because even though I’m sure I could have gone right to sleep I was able to resist, accomplishment for the afternoon and evening include, prayer time, bible time, getting my laundry done for the week and reading a good 7-8 chapters in a really good book, complimented by a simple dinner of two cheese tortillas which seemed to fit this day perfectly. It is now about 9 o’clock and I’m ready to head off to bed, but I really wanted to write so there it is the only other thing to say is that for this moment I am more than thankful for God showing me the simple beauty of this day and I pray He dose the same for you.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Prayer and What it Does to Me
My mind is filled with thoughts; thoughts that desire to be words, but don’t know how to find their way to this page,,, before I started writing I spent 30 to 45 minuets praying for people whom I share life with; its something I’ve been trying to do all year, soooo for about a week now. Its funny I keep telling myself that I didn’t make any new years resolutions, but when I think about all the things I’ve been trying to do since the new year started I actually made a lot of them, but that’s not the point, the point is one of my non resolutions is to pray for others more frequently.
You see, the last few months, I was beginning to be annoyed with myself, I was feeling really self-centered and lonely because I was cutting myself off from people, but I already wrote about that so that’s not the point either. Point is I decided in an attempt to connect with people and really see them for who they are, I would begin to pray for them with no other purpose but to bless them, because God loves them and made them and they are beautiful. So today, I decided that I wanted to pray for the people I work with because, my day was not good or bad but I did experience one moment of complete loneliness for no reason at all really, and since in that moment I felt far from all the people that surrounded me I knew it was time to pray for them. But I’m sorry to say that, that is not the point either.
The true point that really super long intro was to say, while I was praying God opened my eyes a little tiny bit to see the person I was praying for, or maybe not to see them but to see the way I was looking at them. Maybe this is just for me I don’t really know, but you see, I was going through the list of people that I work with that I wanted to pray for in my head and I came across one of those people that I really like but don’t really know and as I started to pray I felt the need to say “I don’t really know them” and as I said those words at the same time I was half thinking half saying that I do sort of and God was like, you see what you want them to be how you want to see it, and their not the only one you do that with. And I was like whoa and that’s right and how do I stop doing it and I just kept praying, and after that by praying with the knowledge that I don’t know this person not really at all, I was able to releases the false connection that I had made with them in my head to God and maybe really bless this person or possibly open the door to be able to more truly connect with them at a later date, maybe I don’t know. I’m sorry this blog turned out to be so very long but I found that moment to be truly beautiful and I wanted to share. Just more of God’s gentle corrections I guess : )
You see, the last few months, I was beginning to be annoyed with myself, I was feeling really self-centered and lonely because I was cutting myself off from people, but I already wrote about that so that’s not the point either. Point is I decided in an attempt to connect with people and really see them for who they are, I would begin to pray for them with no other purpose but to bless them, because God loves them and made them and they are beautiful. So today, I decided that I wanted to pray for the people I work with because, my day was not good or bad but I did experience one moment of complete loneliness for no reason at all really, and since in that moment I felt far from all the people that surrounded me I knew it was time to pray for them. But I’m sorry to say that, that is not the point either.
The true point that really super long intro was to say, while I was praying God opened my eyes a little tiny bit to see the person I was praying for, or maybe not to see them but to see the way I was looking at them. Maybe this is just for me I don’t really know, but you see, I was going through the list of people that I work with that I wanted to pray for in my head and I came across one of those people that I really like but don’t really know and as I started to pray I felt the need to say “I don’t really know them” and as I said those words at the same time I was half thinking half saying that I do sort of and God was like, you see what you want them to be how you want to see it, and their not the only one you do that with. And I was like whoa and that’s right and how do I stop doing it and I just kept praying, and after that by praying with the knowledge that I don’t know this person not really at all, I was able to releases the false connection that I had made with them in my head to God and maybe really bless this person or possibly open the door to be able to more truly connect with them at a later date, maybe I don’t know. I’m sorry this blog turned out to be so very long but I found that moment to be truly beautiful and I wanted to share. Just more of God’s gentle corrections I guess : )
Monday, January 3, 2011
This Purpose
What is my view? Where is my voice? And who am I? Somewhere over a year ago I spent an afternoon at a coffee shop discussing that last question. I don’t remember exactly how that conversation went but some of the thoughts exchanged that day are now part of the way I view the world. I remember we talked a lot about worship, mainly because if you don’t know anything else about who you are and if you never find more purpose in the world, you were created to worship God. I feel as though I need to admit that lately I’ve fallen desperately short of this purpose. I found that God was asking me to lay my dreams at His feet, then when He pushed enough for me to finally let go of those things, what I saw left behind were broken pieces. Then my pride got the best of me and instead of looking into God’s eyes to see myself, I was grasping for the broken bits that lay on the ground between us; I spent months looking at a broken mirror to find my identity, and that is where I lost it. So where does all this lead me? Tonight, I find my voice again in God’s gentle correction as I write what He tells me about myself, I find my view as He reminds me where to look, and I find my identity as I lift my eyes from the ground, but more than all of that I remember, the purpose in all things is to worship God.
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Dear 2010
In all reality I should probably have written this blog yesterday, but I was feeling rather lazy and only thought about writing it, and really that may not even be true because as I think now I find that the inspiration for this blog seems to have come from something I read on facebook when I got home at 2 o’clock this morning, but I’m going to write it anyway.
Dear 2010, you were a wonderful year; the life that I lived during you has made me who I am today, that life was filled with more beauty and joy than I can remember and I think you may be my favorite year. What follows is a short list of memories and things that brought much joy to my life in the year 2010… my 2010joy list is as follows
All the people whom I love and shared adventures with
The first time I taught at Revolution
Michal’s blog
Mom bringing me lunch at work on my birthday
Writing
Pizza Hut (The first time I met Amy)
Cornerstone
-the ember days worship
-flatfoot shark pit
-spending the week with my sister
Jumpin’ Java & Lemonjello’s
Praying with Amy
Guatemala
-to much to list
July 4th with my friends
Walking the pier this summer
Sleepovers with Amy
Applebees after church
Coast Guard weekend
Apples to Apples
Staying up way to late to be with friends
Learning what true friendship can be
Singing at Revolution
Reading some really great books including
-the Chronicles of Narnia
-Blue like Jazz
-the Shack
-and Mere Christianity, just to name a few
The Uprising year two
Making my first scrappy monster
Saturday mornings with Michal
Holidays
Growing closer to God
I’m sure if I tried I could make it longer but I am choosing to stop there, last year was beautiful and full of adventure and friendship, but you can’t live life in the past so I am thankful for my year and I keep moving forward, today on January 1, 2011 I make no new years resolutions, I only pray that in this new year God opens my eyes even more, teaches me more of His truth and guides me to newer and even more lovely adventures than I have yet known, that He would be my joy.
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