Gentle Correction

I feel really awful right now; not physically sick but spiritually and emotionally gross. For some time now I feel as if I’ve been neglecting God. It’s weird because on the surface it looks like just the opposite, I’ve been in constant prayer asking for wisdom and strength; seeking direction and attempting to push through the days until the next season arrives, but somehow in the midst of things I’ve lost a closeness with my Father God and am feeling quite lonely.

It happened rather subtlety so I don’t really know where to start, first thing that comes to mind is that up until about an hour ago I don’t remember when the last time was I read my bible, but I would dare to say it’s more my daily behavior that truly pushed Him away. At some point in the past few months I ran into a wall of offences, there are many moments that come to mind and I do believe this could be the root of my problem.

Everything starts at some point; one thing at a time and my starting point belongs to one particular offense centering around one particular person. I’ve known for some time that dealings with this one person require me to be more patient; I don’t agree with most of the things they say, and I feel as though they see me to be less than who I am. They have been for some time now unknowingly and unintentionally rejecting and disrespecting me, so I decided to distance myself from them, but things have changed and that is not an option anymore.

I know that this problem is mostly in my head, and I know that this change which has pushed us together is all part of God’s plan, but up until now I had been resisting it. My reactions were poor and negative, I was only thinking of myself and how much I didn’t want to answer to this person, I forgot about the plan and rather than look at this as an opportunity for me to grow in patience and boldness I saw only the ways that it effected me and how much I would have to grow up and I ran from it right into offence.

With that first step into offence I opened a door that allowed negativity to flood my life. Once I let that one thing in the rest just started to pile up right along with it. This person annoys me, this one is being disrespectful, why do they have to act so stupid? I don’t want to deal with other peoples problems anymore. Leave me alone, I can’t listen to them talk for one more second, and why should I even attempt to help; they don’t care what I think and they never listen to me anyway.

I can see all the ways I behaved so badly. I play back moments in my mind where I talked bad about this person, or that situation, I can hear myself in constant complaint about being disrespected, looked down upon and ignored while all the while I’m analyzing the flaws of those around me and thinking about how much better I am than they are.

So what now? The answer is the same as always, and I’m running into the arms of my Father. I’ll say these words, I repent and please forgive me, but the next steps are the hardest. After months of gossip, complaint and constant negativity I need to face tomorrow as a new person; walk into this new day with a patient and humble heart. I know it won’t be easy, but I know where my strength comes from, and even though I don’t feel ready as all the world around me remains the same, staying where I was is no longer an option. God’s grace is sufficient and His guidance is true, so that is what I’m asking for, grace and guidance to be the person I was made to be.

Just My Life

Life has been rather blah lately, I haven’t been getting out much and work has been, well draining. I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships and how I seem to know a lot of people but, am close to very few; its not that I don’t want to open up its just I never seem to spend enough time with anyone to establish those deeper connections. You see when it comes to that whole love languages thing mine is quality time all the way, spending time with people is what makes me feel loved and feeling loved is what fills me up so that I can go and do and be.

When things are good they are really good, when I spend time with people and do stuff I’m more open to going and doing more, I make plans and an effort to go and do this or that, I end up being super busy for weeks or months at a time and even though I usually feel really tired, somewhere in the process of busyness I also get those moments of quality time that I need and they leave me really happy and filled up. But when its not like that it’s a double negative, when I start to feel lonely, all I want to do is be alone, I end up pulling away from people and I don’t want to do anything because I feel unloved, like I’m not worth being with, but when I feel alone and unloved it's because I’m not doing anything or loving anyone else.

So back to right now and I’m not getting out there, but don’t worry it’s not depression mode. I haven’t been making the effort to spend time with people, but I haven’t been pulling away either, I’m somewhere in the middle right now and I’ve been trying to pray a lot. For the most part God has been keeping me filled up, at least enough to keep me going. That is going but not doing or being. I’ve been making it through the days, but not really feeling happy with my own actions looking back at them.

This whole summer has been kind of off, there is so much stuff going on in my life that I don’t know how to process most of it. My mom and I are moving and finding a place has been quite a task; life at home just doesn’t feel like home. Lots of things are changing with the ministry I’m most involved in at church; not bad per say but it is more change and to be completely honest I‘m not really good with that. Work has been, well work, the hardest part of my job is working with the people I work with; some are great some are not and some just change from day to day and last week group dynamics were more like a warzone than a team sport, not fun. Add in the first summer in 7 years that I did not go to Cornerstone, the lack of mission trip this year and falling into the monotonous day to day routine known as life and this little girl is a little out of whack.

 

I’m not trying to complain, and I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. This is just my life, I’m tired and I don’t want to make the effort to live and be. All this stuff is small on its own, but much bigger when you put it all together, to much for me to deal with on my own, yet just enough for God to help me grow. And that’s just what He’s been doing, I may feel weak and drained from stress and change but I also feel stronger and smarter and almost ready for what God has next, because when it comes right down to it I know that this is just another season and the next one, well God must be preparing me for something, right? And that is just what I needed to see. The end