Independence and Vision (Guatemala Conclusion)

From the moment we got off the plane in Guatemala City I could feel that this trip was going to be far more independent than the last two; that this trip was mine to experience on my own without expectations from anyone around me. As we drove the three hours from Guatemala City to Chichi I was alone in my own little world, looking out the window with open eyes, contemplating what this week would be and listening for whatever God wanted to tell me, and what He told me was that it was okay to be alone.

As the week progressed that thought became more clearly not about being alone, but rather about being enough on my own. For the longest time now I’ve been living under the impression that I would figure out what I wanted to do with my life after I met my husband and got married, that God’s plan for me so involved another person that I would not be able to figure it out or do it by myself. And even though I still believe that it’s in God’s plan for me to be a wife one day, I very clearly now know that I need to stop thinking as though there is no other plan than that, because more than anything I can hear God telling me that I am enough to be used by Him as I am right now on my own.

And it was through that independence and clarity of God’s voice that I was also able to take hold of the connection to Guatemala that I so desperately wanted, and the ministry that I served with there. Through every build, every feeding program, everything we did, heard and saw my eyes were opened to the heart that God has for that country and the people serving Him there.

In the end I know in my heart that I want to go back, and also that I don’t want to go back alone. On coming home I found that my solitary trip started a fire in the lives of many of my friends as well, that God was able to use my experience to speak life and truth into scores of people around me while also clarifying a vision of my own all the more. After one week back in the reality that is my west Michigan existence, the truth about independence that God has given me is leading me into a vision, (drum roll please) the vision that a large part of my purpose in going to Guatemala will be in leading a team of my own one day, what do you make of that.         

Stepping Out (Guatemala part two)

Just over a week ago I returned from my third mission trip to Guatemala and I’m still not quite back yet. As I have said on second trip I felt like it would not be my last, that I would be going back, at the time I took this thought for granted and assumed I would be going again the next year with my normal group of people (my sister and others from my church) but of course that’s not how life works and it took me a little longer and a slightly different course to get there. About four months ago I received an e-mail from the ministry that I served with on my two previous trips telling me that there was a team going down in February looking for four more people to join them. So let me just say this is not something I normally would have jumped at, I don’t generally enjoy doing things on my own, and as I said my last two trips were with my sister and people from my church I had gotten to know really well, so that fact that I even considered this was kind of crazy.

Long story short I prayed about it and decided that I was supposed to go.

So somehow I made this decision to step out in faith and go to Guatemala on my own with a group of complete strangers, in all honesty it scared me like you would not believe, to the point that even after I made the decision to go there was still a battle in my mind for weeks between being really really excited and completely and totally overwhelmed at the mere thought of what I had decided to do. This trip would be different than any that I had gone on before, I had no idea what to expect, and even though I knew in my heart I was supposed to go I had no idea why, so my only clear thought on the matter was that my last trip was not the last time I would be going and that this was my opportunity to return and live out the promise of going back, and that this would either be my final goodbye or my new start in finding my way back.

Thankfully the latter won out. I don’t even know where to start with how wonderful this whole experience was for me and how much God has spoken to and is still speaking to me about what He is doing in my life. The trip itself was completely amazing, I connected flawlessly with the team and had more fun than I could have even hoped for and I truly believe all of it played out exactly how it was meant to. As I said before the second time I went to Guatemala I wanted more than anything to feel the connection that so many of my friends had to it and I simply missed the mark, so this time with my fight against expectations I was almost preparing myself to say goodbye but instead finally caught hold of the connection and for the first time was really able to say hello…  

The Past Makes Us Who We Are (Guatemala part one)

Roughly three and a half years ago I took my second trip to Guatemala, I went with my sister and a group from our church, as a team we meet weekly for about 3-6 months before the trip to pray, prepare, and establish community and unity for what we were about to do. As that team we spent about a week serving in the mountains of Guatemala and ministering as best we could to all those we came in contact with. By the time we came home most if not all of us felt like family or at least close friends, and had gone through what most people would call a life changing or once in a lifetime experience. It’s crazy how it works but that’s what the mission field does to people, whatever the trip happens to be it’s nearly impossible not to be changed by it in some way.

In my time getting ready for that trip I wanted more than anything to feel a connection to Guatemala, the connection my sister and several other members of my team had talked about, you see I didn’t feel it the first time around, that trip was about something else for me, so I was sure on take two I would finally get it, have that life altering I need to move here kind of moment, but simply put I was wrong. And if you had asked me then what that trip was about I would have said community, we did a lot of good work while we were there, we served our purpose and blessed the ministry, but what I missed most when I got home was not Guatemala or the ministry we were serving it was my team and the community we lived in for that week together, you see I’ve never been a super social person and I’m not the best at making friends, but I’m not really a loner either and I don’t like doing things on my own so in that moment in that community I felt like I belonged and that’s what I wanted to hold onto.

But when we came home life happened, instead of sticking together and living like the church we stared living our lives again, myself included. So from event after event, to circumstances and countless situations life took its toll and our community fell apart. People made stupid decisions that drew them away from God and the people who loved them, some chose different paths or churches and moved on with their lives and others simply faded gradually, no bold statements or conscious decisions but three and a half years later I don’t really know them anymore, and out of a group of 16 people I’m more than facebook friends with only three.

So why am I writing all of this? And what does it have to do with my most recent trip? Well for starters I’m writing it because it’s what happened, I might not like it, I might not be proud of it but it’s part of who I am in a way, when I got home three and a half years ago my trip was about the people I shared it with, but if you asked me today what that second trip was about the people would only be a small part of it because maybe in that season I needed that community but now I belong to a different community and that old one no longer exists. That may sound harsh and by all means it should not have turned out this way but it happened and I learned from it and I don’t want to repeat the same mistakes and that’s what it has to do with my most recent trip. But also when I look back on that trip now what I remember most is that when we left God told me I would be going back to that place and I did…           

       

Simple

I spend a lot of time thinking about my life, making lists of all the things I want to do, goals for this year or my one day when, buts that’s usually about as far as I get, the thinking, and then I start on the beating myself up for not taking the next steps to do the things I want to do, to be the person I want to be. I didn’t work out today, I didn’t read my bible, I didn’t clean my room, I ate that candy bar, I ordered pizza again, I spent too much money, I lost my temper, I lost my patient, I didn’t talk to her, I should have done this, I could have done that better, the list goes on and on. And all the beating myself up makes me think of when Paul wrote to the Romans For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil I will not to do, that I do. And yeah maybe my “evil” is laziness or pride, but that is exactly the stuff that holds me back from being the person I desire to be, the stuff that I always beat myself up for.

And so I read Paul’s soliloquy about doing and not doing, and being a slave to sin in the flesh and all that jazz, and then I keep reading from chapter 7 to chapter 8 where he reminds us there is no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus and I think yeah that should me, my faith makes me righteous, one who is in Christ. And so all those thoughts that I beat myself up and condemn myself with are obviously not truth, just more of the evil that I will not to do; that bit of pride that tells me I need to be perfect to fulfil some sort of purpose in my life, which intern drives me back to being lazy or inconsiderate and doing the evil thing all over again.

So the question now becomes; how can I make my list and actually do all the things I want to do to be the person that I want to be, and somehow conquer the laziness without being prideful and somehow conquer the pride while still achieving all my goals and becoming a “better” person?

And the answer comes at the end of chapter 8 yet in all these things we are more than conquers through Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus are Lord. And so the truth is that God already loves me, that completing my list won’t make Him love me any more and failing day after day won’t make Him love me any less, that my laziness or my pride will never separate me from His love, and it is that very love that gives me the ability to be more than a conquer in my life and actually do the things I desire to do. simple.