I Want To Be

I’ve really been struggling lately, I’m having a hard time connecting with people, and my dive to be social is gone, I find myself complaining all the time and when I look for beauty and joy it’s more than a little hard to find. My life hasn’t really changed and there is no good reason for me to be feeling the way that I do, so why has this depression sprung up now, why am I weary and burnt out and what good is going to come from writing about it? I could create a list, all the reasons why I think this has struck me, but I don’t think I want to do that. You see the reasons don’t really matter at this point, the only thing that matters is getting past the reasons and overcoming the way that I feel in order to be the person that I like again.

I don’t know exactly how to do that, and at the risk of sounding overdramatic, when I feel this way it’s sometimes hard to remember what really brings me back to normal. But normal will return eventually and I’m not blind to the attack so I have the mind to fight back, to look for beauty even though its hard, to stay connected even if it’s just one person, to be social even though I don’t want to, to be positive when my instinct is to complain and to somehow find rest without abandoning my life. But most importantly to pray, because no matter what I do, who I talk to or how much I fake it til I make it, I know that my joy comes from the Lord, He is the One that gives me rest and seeking Him is what I need to remember most when I can’t remember anything else, because it’s Him who makes me the me I want to be.