I feel like I’ve been a really horrible person this past week. Example number one, being lazy; there are many, many things that I really desire to do, the list includes leaning to play the guitar, starting an exercise routine, reading more, writing more and just plain making better use of my time. The unfortunate fact of the matter is that as of late I have not been making any effort to do any of the wonderful things on that list up there, instead I’ve been making excuses to myself and just keep putting them off.
Example number two, being mean. This past week at work was really good, and kind of awful at the same time; I recently started working with a different group of people than I had been up until now, the new group that I now work with is great, I get along better with them, we talk a lot more and in general it’s been more fun, the one downside of our group connecting so well with each other and being able to joke around is that we’re pulling away from our other co-workers and talking about them behind their backs. I know its wrong and the past few days I felt convicted about it but I still couldn’t stop myself from continuing the jokes we started.
Example number three, being offended. Last weekend my mom and I talked over our budget, we’ve been wanting to move for some time now and were discussing what we needed to do to achieve said goal. A few days after our talk we found out our timeline had to be moved up due to circumstances beyond our control, its no big deal we were already trying to find the best option to move and it looks as though God is showing us exactly where we need to be, but if I’m completely honest it did not sit well with me when I heard the words you need to leave asap.
Example number four, being distant. I’ve been trying to pray all week, but all week I’ve felt really far away; like some part of me isn’t all there, my mind is distracted, my heart is out of focus and I just can’t seem to fully enter in. And when I think about the way I’ve been interacting with people it’s the same there too, if you were to ask me how I am, I would probably say “good”, it’s not a lie, but its not the full truth either, I just don’t know the words that need to be said and I don’t feel the pull to fully engage with the world right now.
But the true truth, the point that I’ve reached after writing this today, is that I may have acted horrible but that does not mean that I am a horrible person, rather I am simply a person; a flawed human being, who struggles sometimes and gives in to what we Christians call ‘flesh", but I’m more than that too, I am a child of God, a beloved daughter of the King of kings, I am a beautiful creation of God; fearfully and wonderfully made, I am a follower of Christ redeemed by His blood and nothing that I ever do can separate me from His love. At the end of the day I may still have battles to fight but I know who I am in God and nothing can change what that is.
