This past month has been kind of difficult for me; I was sick or in pain for about three weeks straight and am only just beginning to be over it. With all that sickness I gave myself permission to be lazy, I decided I would spend the afternoon in bed because I was tired, which slowly turned into I don’t want to do anything so I’ll be lazy just because I can, which then became I don’t want to see anybody or talk to anybody and then when I did want to see or talk to someone I had nothing to say because I spent the rest of my time doing nothing.
I realized a day or two ago that this whole I feel sick so I’m gonna be lazy thing was no longer because I was feeling sick and the honest truth was that I was depressed. I can blame it on my personality type, but the fact is its something I fall into a lot more frequently than I would like, I’m aware of it and God is working me through it and eventually I wont be falling into it anymore (and yes I’m speaking that in faith, and I trust God to bring it to pass and that I will be filled to overflowing with His joy) but right now I’d like to deal with right now. Like I said when I get like that I just go into lazy mode, I don’t want to do anything or see anyone, I’d rather just be alone. When I wake up in the morning I look forward to the next time I get to go to bed. When I’m around people I have nothing to say or want to say , when I’m alone I don’t want to think; or I don’t know what I’m thinking at all, I don’t write because from my perspective my life is dull and boring and there is no story to tell. This is my depression mode, and the awareness of it is my testimony.
I’ve said it before, admitted that in my past (when I was in high school) I was depressed, back then I didn’t know it, back then I wasn’t in a real true relationship with God. Yes this past month has been hard, yes I distanced myself from people, became as boring as I thought I was and missed out on a lot of joy. But I’m coming out of it now, through all of this I kept seeking God and I feel closer to Him, He is working with me as I walk through this, telling me to seek His joy, appreciate what’s happening now and not worry about what will or wont be happing tomorrow, telling me I’m healed even when it doesn’t feel that way. This past month kinda sucked and I wasted a lot of perfectly good moments, but tonight I can honestly say, after writing all this down I better understand the battle I’ve been fighting and that brings me just that much more joy.
