A Scream and A Whisper

I just want to talk, have a conversation with a friend about what’s on my heart, the trouble is I don’t have the words to describe what it is exactly that’s on my heart, and all I have in front of me is a pen and a notebook, so where do I begin? First thought that crosses my mind as I write these words is that when Michal reads that sentence she will inevitably notice that I used the word “have” three times and that, I do not in fact desire to hold ownership over a conversation, or the words that I speak or write, and that even though by all normal social standards I do in fact own this pen and this notebook, it was actually the act of writing which I was trying to describe so that cannot be owned either. Okay with that sentence all straightened out I think I can now move on.

Last week I poured my heart over these pages and decided that I am going to learn how to play the guitar, and then I picked that thought back up and held onto it for a week. This thought is one to which everything inside of me is screaming “don’t let go” and this is one thought where God is whispering “give this to Me” I know enough truth here to know if I don’t give this desire to God I will never do it on my own, so its actually an easy choice to make. But this easy choice is one that needs to be made everyday because in all honesty when are that scream and that whisper ever in agreement? Everything we do or get the opportunity to have fall into this easy choice category and need to be given to God. That is the truth I was referring to earlier and sometimes as Christians we can tune out the screaming inside of us and say “okay God this is yours” but, how often do we ignore the whisper and listen to the scream because we want it or its more convenient and wait until our own efforts have fallen apart or blown up in our faces to say okay God I’m giving this to you now so you can pick up the pieces and put the puzzle back together, and of course God is faithful so He dose just that, but how much further along could we have been if we had listened to the whisper in the first place, and how much closer would our relationship with God be if we would follow His voice instead of our own.

So tonight here’s my view. I long to be in relationship with God, the Father, His Son and the Holy Spirit, He knows what’s on my heart without any words, but listens when I talk anyway, and answers with a whisper that louder than my scream. What He asks is both the simplest thing and the hardest thing in the world to do at the same time. He says He who finds his life will lose it and he who loses His life for My sake will find it, so what is my life, just my hopes and dreams, everything I ever want to be, do or have, basically all He asks for is everything that makes me who I am, easy right? But it is, because when we lay ourselves down at His feet, He lifts us up and says walk with Me I’ll show you the way, and most likely His way will lead right back to all those hopes and dreams in an even better way that we thought possible. So tonight, my view, I think I’ll listen to the whisper.

This Word Called Faithfulness

I’ve been thinking quite frequently that I would like to learn how to play the guitar, I may never be amazing at it, in fact I might fail miserably but I do believe I would like to learn. I find so much beauty in music, if you know me, you know my heart is there; I long to find artists that are creative and different, I find joy in seeing others find joy in the music they love whether that be playing or simply consuming as I do. My love for this creative outlet lies deep within my heart and I desire to discover a new level of which I can experience this art. My heart tells me I’m an artist, my words tell me I’m a writer and my passion tells me to pursue music. My desire is to glorify God and follow the path He has for me, I don’t know where this path is leading, but the step that I’m on right now is consumed by this word called faithfulness. Today as I think about faithfulness and what that really means I believe part of that is listening to the desires God has put on my heart, it means to do every work with excellence and use the gifts and talents God has given to glorify Him, it involves living in today and not just living to get through today. So if I start by listening to my heart my steps lead me to digging deeper into music, if I follow that up by working with excellence it means I need to try more at learning more, I don’t claim to have a talent for guitar I’ve never even picked one up but I’ll never know if I don’t try, and the last step may be the hardest, the one I’ve been pursuing all year, and it tells me that I can’t keep waiting or putting things off, it tells me to be faithful is to work with the opportunities I have all around me in my current setting, I’ve already said it several times; this is not my season to escape to a new world, it’s my time to grow in the one I already reside in. And there you have it, everything I believe about faithfulness confirms my desire to learn, I guess now I should figure out how to do that.

Creator

Once upon a time… or so I would start if I had a story to tell, alas I do not, but I have no desire to complain or talk of boredom or tiredness ether. I spent much of this week in my imagination, with my daydreams I can create a whole new made up world in my head, one filled to the brim with beauty and adventure, I can spend my days thinking of the adventures I’d have if lived in this world free from the responsibility I face in my life today, I can write my self a love story to fall into or become anything I wish to be, there is no limit to what this life would hold. However there is something imperfect about this world which I create, for it is not my place to make a world; I already live in one with a most perfect Creator. This perfect Creator made me and the world that I reside in, He has given me the responsibility that I so frequently desire run from, He has planned out my future adventures and has written me a better love story than I could ever wish to write myself, He has made me in His image and given me this ability to dream, so with all my dreaming aside I am thankful, thankful for my Creator and the wonder of who He is, thankful that this God who made the heavens and the earth has chosen to make me, and no less, in His image, thankful for the world He has created, one filled with the most beautiful things imaginable and has given me the opportunity to live here, but more than anything else I am thankful for His love, this love that is still beyond my comprehension. For today I am a thankful dreamer.

Thought of Brokenness

Today was spent at a coffee shop in downtown Holland; I enjoyed nearly 5 hours talking with two of the most wonderful people I know. When describing these two beautiful girls I would most certainly refer to them as my best friends, and if they were for some reason to vanish from my life tomorrow never to be seen again my heart would most definitely be classified as broken. And yet it is this thought of my brokenness that draws me closer to God Himself; I know the closeness I have with people is never a guarantee, it is a promise that holds only human value; friendships come and go, and even though I know in my heart that these two I talk about tonight are not leaving me anytime soon it is God that would be there to fix my brokenness if they ever did. Relationship is important, probably the most important thing we can do in this life, but one relationship stands above the rest and that is the one we hold with God, I am beyond thankful for the beautiful people that fill this life, my friends and family mean the world to me, but at the end of the day it is God who holds that world.