I’ve Been Quiet

I’ve been quiet. Almost nonexistent as far as this blog is concerned; I haven’t posted anything in the past month because I haven’t said anything worth saying. I’ve been drawing back from people again, or rather not making a serious effort to spend time with anyone I’m not already close to. Its not that I’m hiding or want to be alone its just well, I’m really ridiculously not good at small talk, questions like what have you been up to, or how’s work going are not enjoyable, I would even go so far as to say I may hate them.

 

I have no problem sharing my life, but the typical how are you question will almost all get you the typical “good” as a response. You see my life on the surface is dull and boring; I’m not even going to try to deny that. I don’t do much and work is well, work; repetitive, uninteresting and quite annoying at times, it’s a job I get paid to be there so I’m there. When I get asked the what have you been up to type questions I don’t have an answer, I wish that I did but I don’t and I hate that.

 

Because honestly for the past month I’ve wasted probably 80% of my free time on television or naps anther 5% felling bad that all I did was watch tv or nap and the rest is 50, 50 some times good or even great others, lets just say I maybe would have rather been at home watching tv or taking a nap. And here is where I say don’t get me wrong, I love spending quality time with people, living in adventure mode; filling my days with joy after joy or talking the night away about what makes life, life. These are the times I never want to end, but also the ones that go by the quickest and that’s a bit of a dilemma I don’t know how to solve, so I guess I need to just let I go and live.

 

 I’m about as good at that as I am with the whole small talk thing which leads right back to point one and me being all quiet. Because the truth behind the truth of my wonderful small talk skills is I’ve met several people I truly desire to know better, friends of friends or common acquaintances, people I know but have yet to get past the small talk phase with. And that’s the second dilemma of tonight’s little story, I don’t know how to turn this miserable, stupid, obnoxious small talk into real friendship and truly loving people when that’s all that I want it to be . But I guess that’s why it’s called a dilemma and my stopping point for today. Goodnight

Gentle Correction

I feel really awful right now; not physically sick but spiritually and emotionally gross. For some time now I feel as if I’ve been neglecting God. It’s weird because on the surface it looks like just the opposite, I’ve been in constant prayer asking for wisdom and strength; seeking direction and attempting to push through the days until the next season arrives, but somehow in the midst of things I’ve lost a closeness with my Father God and am feeling quite lonely.

It happened rather subtlety so I don’t really know where to start, first thing that comes to mind is that up until about an hour ago I don’t remember when the last time was I read my bible, but I would dare to say it’s more my daily behavior that truly pushed Him away. At some point in the past few months I ran into a wall of offences, there are many moments that come to mind and I do believe this could be the root of my problem.

Everything starts at some point; one thing at a time and my starting point belongs to one particular offense centering around one particular person. I’ve known for some time that dealings with this one person require me to be more patient; I don’t agree with most of the things they say, and I feel as though they see me to be less than who I am. They have been for some time now unknowingly and unintentionally rejecting and disrespecting me, so I decided to distance myself from them, but things have changed and that is not an option anymore.

I know that this problem is mostly in my head, and I know that this change which has pushed us together is all part of God’s plan, but up until now I had been resisting it. My reactions were poor and negative, I was only thinking of myself and how much I didn’t want to answer to this person, I forgot about the plan and rather than look at this as an opportunity for me to grow in patience and boldness I saw only the ways that it effected me and how much I would have to grow up and I ran from it right into offence.

With that first step into offence I opened a door that allowed negativity to flood my life. Once I let that one thing in the rest just started to pile up right along with it. This person annoys me, this one is being disrespectful, why do they have to act so stupid? I don’t want to deal with other peoples problems anymore. Leave me alone, I can’t listen to them talk for one more second, and why should I even attempt to help; they don’t care what I think and they never listen to me anyway.

I can see all the ways I behaved so badly. I play back moments in my mind where I talked bad about this person, or that situation, I can hear myself in constant complaint about being disrespected, looked down upon and ignored while all the while I’m analyzing the flaws of those around me and thinking about how much better I am than they are.

So what now? The answer is the same as always, and I’m running into the arms of my Father. I’ll say these words, I repent and please forgive me, but the next steps are the hardest. After months of gossip, complaint and constant negativity I need to face tomorrow as a new person; walk into this new day with a patient and humble heart. I know it won’t be easy, but I know where my strength comes from, and even though I don’t feel ready as all the world around me remains the same, staying where I was is no longer an option. God’s grace is sufficient and His guidance is true, so that is what I’m asking for, grace and guidance to be the person I was made to be.

Just My Life

Life has been rather blah lately, I haven’t been getting out much and work has been, well draining. I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships and how I seem to know a lot of people but, am close to very few; its not that I don’t want to open up its just I never seem to spend enough time with anyone to establish those deeper connections. You see when it comes to that whole love languages thing mine is quality time all the way, spending time with people is what makes me feel loved and feeling loved is what fills me up so that I can go and do and be.

When things are good they are really good, when I spend time with people and do stuff I’m more open to going and doing more, I make plans and an effort to go and do this or that, I end up being super busy for weeks or months at a time and even though I usually feel really tired, somewhere in the process of busyness I also get those moments of quality time that I need and they leave me really happy and filled up. But when its not like that it’s a double negative, when I start to feel lonely, all I want to do is be alone, I end up pulling away from people and I don’t want to do anything because I feel unloved, like I’m not worth being with, but when I feel alone and unloved it's because I’m not doing anything or loving anyone else.

So back to right now and I’m not getting out there, but don’t worry it’s not depression mode. I haven’t been making the effort to spend time with people, but I haven’t been pulling away either, I’m somewhere in the middle right now and I’ve been trying to pray a lot. For the most part God has been keeping me filled up, at least enough to keep me going. That is going but not doing or being. I’ve been making it through the days, but not really feeling happy with my own actions looking back at them.

This whole summer has been kind of off, there is so much stuff going on in my life that I don’t know how to process most of it. My mom and I are moving and finding a place has been quite a task; life at home just doesn’t feel like home. Lots of things are changing with the ministry I’m most involved in at church; not bad per say but it is more change and to be completely honest I‘m not really good with that. Work has been, well work, the hardest part of my job is working with the people I work with; some are great some are not and some just change from day to day and last week group dynamics were more like a warzone than a team sport, not fun. Add in the first summer in 7 years that I did not go to Cornerstone, the lack of mission trip this year and falling into the monotonous day to day routine known as life and this little girl is a little out of whack.

 

I’m not trying to complain, and I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. This is just my life, I’m tired and I don’t want to make the effort to live and be. All this stuff is small on its own, but much bigger when you put it all together, to much for me to deal with on my own, yet just enough for God to help me grow. And that’s just what He’s been doing, I may feel weak and drained from stress and change but I also feel stronger and smarter and almost ready for what God has next, because when it comes right down to it I know that this is just another season and the next one, well God must be preparing me for something, right? And that is just what I needed to see. The end

Run Away or Stay

I want to run away, but I also want to stay. I know that I want to do more with my life than the typical grow up, get a job, get married, have a family sort of plan; unfortunately I am very timid and rooted. I see my friends going across the Globe to minister to, and pour out God’s love on people and I think to myself if only I were different, if only I started when I was younger, if only I didn’t need to stay here. I tell myself that’s not God’s plan for me, I’m not gifted in evangelism, I’m not confident enough, I’m not this, I’m not that, I’m just not… I look at my life and I see responsibilities that fall to me; things I can’t run from or leave to someone else, things I can’t abandon and wouldn’t want to.

I see this ordinary life falling into place and wonder, is this what I’m suppose to do, is this who I’m suppose to be, is this how my life turns out? But with these questions there is hope and I know there’s more, because ordinary is what you make it. What seems common on the surface, monotonous, typical and altogether boring can be so much more. As far a traveling the world goes, I’ve done it before and will do it again, as far a pouring out God’s love, my heart breaks for the broken people I see all around me, and as far as gifts and calling, I’m still searching, but I know Who to look to.

I’d like to run away, find another home in some far off land being the hands and feet of Jesus to the world, in a place hungry and thirsty for His love, it’s a life of adventure, consumed with God’s presence and beyond what I could imagine. Or I take the harder path, I listen to the still small voice in my heart, that says not yet and be faithful. I’ll follow the road that keeps me here for a little while longer; the one of everyday and reality, the one consumed with family and work and the subtlety of God’s presence in an ordinary day, learn to be Jesus hands and feet in a culture turned off to the church, and oblivious to the fact they are starving and in need of a Savior. You see I want to run away, but I also want to stay.

This Little Light of Mine

What can I say about me and my life without making it seem like I’m completely lost, totally confused or my world is coming to an end? I’d like to believe I’m a pretty passionate person, that I care deeply about things and will stand up for what I believe in. but how do I show this passion, what makes me of all people different from everyone else in the world? What are theses things that I claim to believe and care so deeply for, what if anything would I be willing to fight for if I were challenged, do you know me, do you know what they are? If my view were questioned, what do I believe?

On a typical day my light does not always do justice to what it should, and most of the time I come across more like your average little church girl than anything else. But what is not so easily seen is that behind my good girl image are strong convictions that are more than just stereotypical religion. What drives me is not religion and the rules that follow, but rather the relationship available to me with my Creator through Christ. It’s this promise of relationship and the time I spend with Him that makes me, me.

And that brings me back to question number one of this post and why I always feel like a bit of a drama queen when I write. To be completely honest, my life is not all that interesting and pretty drama free most of the time. But you see this is my outlet, this blog as a whole, it’s my story, my view. My walk falls short of what I desire to be, and I suppose that’s why I write; to shine my light the best way I know how. You see, I know all the steps, all the motions to go through, but relationship is more than that, and writing is how I seek Him. I hope and pray that one day in the not so distant future, that my everyday moments will be as caught up in God as my writing is, but until that day comes all I can do is try my best and just continue walking and well, writing, I may not have it all together but hey that’s why I do what I do. I’m a writer so I’m writing cause that’s what writers do.

This Truth

1 Corinthians 13:6
Love does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth.

 

I’ve been trying to write about this verse for a few weeks now, but every time I start I get a few sentences in and then it starts to feel forced or shallow, and when writing about truth shallow is just well, false. So attempt number… don’t even ask and the question remains, what is truth?

 

I read something today, an analysis of a certain psalm, number 29 to be exact and the point that this writer made, the truth that any number of Christians overlook on a daily basis, the truth that’s hard to swallow but easy to forget, and it says GOD IS HOLY, but what is this truth and what does it really mean? You see, we sing these words in songs, and use them in our prayers, but how often do we fully taste their bittersweet truth.

 

I hope you’re still reading this, and I’m not really trying to go all gloom and doom on you, but truth isn’t always pretty, in fact, most of the time its messy, it’s the stuff that brings you down a notch when you feel you’ re on the top of the world and messes with your head when you think you’ve got things figured out, truth is the last thing you want to hear when you think you’re right and the hardest thing to take when you find you were wrong.

 

But love, why does love rejoice in the truth then? And that brings me back to this one, this truth of the God I call mine, and that’s the flaw, He belongs to no man, for He is Holy. The Old Testament, the first 39 books of the bible, the ones we often skip over or tell new Christians not to start with, the Old Testament is filled with this truth. Story after story of the Glory of God, story after story of His power, His strength, His judgment, wrath and His most wonderful Holiness; Moses shone with the glory of His presence, Isaiah feared death at the sight of His throne, Saul lost his kingdom for disregard of His Word, and over and over people died for entering into His presence without respect of His Holiness.

 

So where dose that leave us and, what about the New Testament; the stories we love to read, stuff of miracles, healings, grace, peace, hope, love, Jesus? What about all that, that’s truth too, right? And its newer, that must be the God I serve, right? The pretty One who forgives and blesses, I serve Jesus; the one who heals and delivers, Old Testament… wrath, judgment, that was before Jesus, it must be different now, Right?

 

But God is still Holy. And that is why we need Jesus to save us, the question; that big one, why did Jesus have to die? Because God is Holy.

 

“but we forget, with little difficulty, that it was God’s justice,the
necessity of holiness, that brought death to give life. It is His holiness that
required the shedding of blood, the losing of life, to be the only way to make things right. It was the turning of His back that darkened the
sky as our Christ breathed finality.

-David Crowder
Praise Habit

 

God is Holy, He can not look on sin, His holiness dose not allow it, and that is why Jesus had to die, His blood; the price for our sin and the soap that washes sin off, so that our Holy Father can look at us, this is the truth, the stuff that love rejoices in, its messy and beautiful, sad and joyous, it’s the definition of bittersweet, God is so Good that death is the price to draw near to Him, love rejoices in the truth.

Love Hopes All Things

1 Corinthians 13:7(Talking about love)

bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love hopes all things, and that’s where I start tonight. Well sort of, that’s what I want you to keep in mind tonight. But where I start is a little about me in the form of a classic question. You see I want to talk about hope, and that made me think of the whole glass half empty VS. glass half full scenario, but I honestly don’t know how I answer that question and its more than just a glass with water in it. The truth is I overanalyze probably 97.8% of my world, okay, yes I just pulled that number out on nowhere because I liked the way it sounded but I think you get the point. I’m analytical to a fault, so I can’t say “oh yeah, that glass is half full” and call myself an optimist or “no way its half empty” and acknowledge my pessimistic tendencies, because the truth is my analytical nature makes me much more of a realist, and can I have half a glass of water please. So as far as optimistic vs pessimistic goes I’m a pessimistic optimist or perhaps an optimistic pessimist if you prefer.

But back to love and hope, and you see this story starts in a place that may seem far from both those words. You may or may not remember I wrote on here a few months ago about the battles I’ve fought with depression; my lazy do nothing modes where my bed is my best friend and I just don’t know how to be happy or interested in the everyday happenings of this story we call life. Then last week as I was discussing past seasons in my life where depression reigned hard I was asked a question that shined a new light on this battle “have you ever thought it would be easier not to live?” and my answer has always been, no, and that’s the light.

Because as it all comes back to the way I see the world I’ve been abundantly blessed, to where even when I fall crashing down into one of those modes there still lies in my spirit a constant, persistent yet often quiet, hope. Some days as I’ve said before that hope may rest simply in the next time I get to rest but somehow it always remains, and more often than not its actually quite a bit stronger than you would expect from someone with a melancholy personality like me, because even when I can’t see it I know there is beauty in the world and even when I don’t get what I want I know God is faithful, so today may have been the worst day ever, but my eyes are on God and He knows the plans He has for me, plans filled with hope.

Philippians 4:8

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true,

whatever things are noble, whatever things are just,

whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely,

whatever things are of good report,

if there is any virtue and if there is anything

praiseworthy--meditate on these things.

So I guess in the end being in a relationship with God makes me more of an optimistic realist.

Love hopes all things