Just My Life

Life has been rather blah lately, I haven’t been getting out much and work has been, well draining. I’ve been thinking a lot about relationships and how I seem to know a lot of people but, am close to very few; its not that I don’t want to open up its just I never seem to spend enough time with anyone to establish those deeper connections. You see when it comes to that whole love languages thing mine is quality time all the way, spending time with people is what makes me feel loved and feeling loved is what fills me up so that I can go and do and be.

When things are good they are really good, when I spend time with people and do stuff I’m more open to going and doing more, I make plans and an effort to go and do this or that, I end up being super busy for weeks or months at a time and even though I usually feel really tired, somewhere in the process of busyness I also get those moments of quality time that I need and they leave me really happy and filled up. But when its not like that it’s a double negative, when I start to feel lonely, all I want to do is be alone, I end up pulling away from people and I don’t want to do anything because I feel unloved, like I’m not worth being with, but when I feel alone and unloved it's because I’m not doing anything or loving anyone else.

So back to right now and I’m not getting out there, but don’t worry it’s not depression mode. I haven’t been making the effort to spend time with people, but I haven’t been pulling away either, I’m somewhere in the middle right now and I’ve been trying to pray a lot. For the most part God has been keeping me filled up, at least enough to keep me going. That is going but not doing or being. I’ve been making it through the days, but not really feeling happy with my own actions looking back at them.

This whole summer has been kind of off, there is so much stuff going on in my life that I don’t know how to process most of it. My mom and I are moving and finding a place has been quite a task; life at home just doesn’t feel like home. Lots of things are changing with the ministry I’m most involved in at church; not bad per say but it is more change and to be completely honest I‘m not really good with that. Work has been, well work, the hardest part of my job is working with the people I work with; some are great some are not and some just change from day to day and last week group dynamics were more like a warzone than a team sport, not fun. Add in the first summer in 7 years that I did not go to Cornerstone, the lack of mission trip this year and falling into the monotonous day to day routine known as life and this little girl is a little out of whack.

 

I’m not trying to complain, and I don’t want you to feel sorry for me. This is just my life, I’m tired and I don’t want to make the effort to live and be. All this stuff is small on its own, but much bigger when you put it all together, to much for me to deal with on my own, yet just enough for God to help me grow. And that’s just what He’s been doing, I may feel weak and drained from stress and change but I also feel stronger and smarter and almost ready for what God has next, because when it comes right down to it I know that this is just another season and the next one, well God must be preparing me for something, right? And that is just what I needed to see. The end

Run Away or Stay

I want to run away, but I also want to stay. I know that I want to do more with my life than the typical grow up, get a job, get married, have a family sort of plan; unfortunately I am very timid and rooted. I see my friends going across the Globe to minister to, and pour out God’s love on people and I think to myself if only I were different, if only I started when I was younger, if only I didn’t need to stay here. I tell myself that’s not God’s plan for me, I’m not gifted in evangelism, I’m not confident enough, I’m not this, I’m not that, I’m just not… I look at my life and I see responsibilities that fall to me; things I can’t run from or leave to someone else, things I can’t abandon and wouldn’t want to.

I see this ordinary life falling into place and wonder, is this what I’m suppose to do, is this who I’m suppose to be, is this how my life turns out? But with these questions there is hope and I know there’s more, because ordinary is what you make it. What seems common on the surface, monotonous, typical and altogether boring can be so much more. As far a traveling the world goes, I’ve done it before and will do it again, as far a pouring out God’s love, my heart breaks for the broken people I see all around me, and as far as gifts and calling, I’m still searching, but I know Who to look to.

I’d like to run away, find another home in some far off land being the hands and feet of Jesus to the world, in a place hungry and thirsty for His love, it’s a life of adventure, consumed with God’s presence and beyond what I could imagine. Or I take the harder path, I listen to the still small voice in my heart, that says not yet and be faithful. I’ll follow the road that keeps me here for a little while longer; the one of everyday and reality, the one consumed with family and work and the subtlety of God’s presence in an ordinary day, learn to be Jesus hands and feet in a culture turned off to the church, and oblivious to the fact they are starving and in need of a Savior. You see I want to run away, but I also want to stay.

This Little Light of Mine

What can I say about me and my life without making it seem like I’m completely lost, totally confused or my world is coming to an end? I’d like to believe I’m a pretty passionate person, that I care deeply about things and will stand up for what I believe in. but how do I show this passion, what makes me of all people different from everyone else in the world? What are theses things that I claim to believe and care so deeply for, what if anything would I be willing to fight for if I were challenged, do you know me, do you know what they are? If my view were questioned, what do I believe?

On a typical day my light does not always do justice to what it should, and most of the time I come across more like your average little church girl than anything else. But what is not so easily seen is that behind my good girl image are strong convictions that are more than just stereotypical religion. What drives me is not religion and the rules that follow, but rather the relationship available to me with my Creator through Christ. It’s this promise of relationship and the time I spend with Him that makes me, me.

And that brings me back to question number one of this post and why I always feel like a bit of a drama queen when I write. To be completely honest, my life is not all that interesting and pretty drama free most of the time. But you see this is my outlet, this blog as a whole, it’s my story, my view. My walk falls short of what I desire to be, and I suppose that’s why I write; to shine my light the best way I know how. You see, I know all the steps, all the motions to go through, but relationship is more than that, and writing is how I seek Him. I hope and pray that one day in the not so distant future, that my everyday moments will be as caught up in God as my writing is, but until that day comes all I can do is try my best and just continue walking and well, writing, I may not have it all together but hey that’s why I do what I do. I’m a writer so I’m writing cause that’s what writers do.

This Truth

1 Corinthians 13:6
Love does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth.

 

I’ve been trying to write about this verse for a few weeks now, but every time I start I get a few sentences in and then it starts to feel forced or shallow, and when writing about truth shallow is just well, false. So attempt number… don’t even ask and the question remains, what is truth?

 

I read something today, an analysis of a certain psalm, number 29 to be exact and the point that this writer made, the truth that any number of Christians overlook on a daily basis, the truth that’s hard to swallow but easy to forget, and it says GOD IS HOLY, but what is this truth and what does it really mean? You see, we sing these words in songs, and use them in our prayers, but how often do we fully taste their bittersweet truth.

 

I hope you’re still reading this, and I’m not really trying to go all gloom and doom on you, but truth isn’t always pretty, in fact, most of the time its messy, it’s the stuff that brings you down a notch when you feel you’ re on the top of the world and messes with your head when you think you’ve got things figured out, truth is the last thing you want to hear when you think you’re right and the hardest thing to take when you find you were wrong.

 

But love, why does love rejoice in the truth then? And that brings me back to this one, this truth of the God I call mine, and that’s the flaw, He belongs to no man, for He is Holy. The Old Testament, the first 39 books of the bible, the ones we often skip over or tell new Christians not to start with, the Old Testament is filled with this truth. Story after story of the Glory of God, story after story of His power, His strength, His judgment, wrath and His most wonderful Holiness; Moses shone with the glory of His presence, Isaiah feared death at the sight of His throne, Saul lost his kingdom for disregard of His Word, and over and over people died for entering into His presence without respect of His Holiness.

 

So where dose that leave us and, what about the New Testament; the stories we love to read, stuff of miracles, healings, grace, peace, hope, love, Jesus? What about all that, that’s truth too, right? And its newer, that must be the God I serve, right? The pretty One who forgives and blesses, I serve Jesus; the one who heals and delivers, Old Testament… wrath, judgment, that was before Jesus, it must be different now, Right?

 

But God is still Holy. And that is why we need Jesus to save us, the question; that big one, why did Jesus have to die? Because God is Holy.

 

“but we forget, with little difficulty, that it was God’s justice,the
necessity of holiness, that brought death to give life. It is His holiness that
required the shedding of blood, the losing of life, to be the only way to make things right. It was the turning of His back that darkened the
sky as our Christ breathed finality.

-David Crowder
Praise Habit

 

God is Holy, He can not look on sin, His holiness dose not allow it, and that is why Jesus had to die, His blood; the price for our sin and the soap that washes sin off, so that our Holy Father can look at us, this is the truth, the stuff that love rejoices in, its messy and beautiful, sad and joyous, it’s the definition of bittersweet, God is so Good that death is the price to draw near to Him, love rejoices in the truth.

Love Hopes All Things

1 Corinthians 13:7(Talking about love)

bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.

Love hopes all things, and that’s where I start tonight. Well sort of, that’s what I want you to keep in mind tonight. But where I start is a little about me in the form of a classic question. You see I want to talk about hope, and that made me think of the whole glass half empty VS. glass half full scenario, but I honestly don’t know how I answer that question and its more than just a glass with water in it. The truth is I overanalyze probably 97.8% of my world, okay, yes I just pulled that number out on nowhere because I liked the way it sounded but I think you get the point. I’m analytical to a fault, so I can’t say “oh yeah, that glass is half full” and call myself an optimist or “no way its half empty” and acknowledge my pessimistic tendencies, because the truth is my analytical nature makes me much more of a realist, and can I have half a glass of water please. So as far as optimistic vs pessimistic goes I’m a pessimistic optimist or perhaps an optimistic pessimist if you prefer.

But back to love and hope, and you see this story starts in a place that may seem far from both those words. You may or may not remember I wrote on here a few months ago about the battles I’ve fought with depression; my lazy do nothing modes where my bed is my best friend and I just don’t know how to be happy or interested in the everyday happenings of this story we call life. Then last week as I was discussing past seasons in my life where depression reigned hard I was asked a question that shined a new light on this battle “have you ever thought it would be easier not to live?” and my answer has always been, no, and that’s the light.

Because as it all comes back to the way I see the world I’ve been abundantly blessed, to where even when I fall crashing down into one of those modes there still lies in my spirit a constant, persistent yet often quiet, hope. Some days as I’ve said before that hope may rest simply in the next time I get to rest but somehow it always remains, and more often than not its actually quite a bit stronger than you would expect from someone with a melancholy personality like me, because even when I can’t see it I know there is beauty in the world and even when I don’t get what I want I know God is faithful, so today may have been the worst day ever, but my eyes are on God and He knows the plans He has for me, plans filled with hope.

Philippians 4:8

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true,

whatever things are noble, whatever things are just,

whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely,

whatever things are of good report,

if there is any virtue and if there is anything

praiseworthy--meditate on these things.

So I guess in the end being in a relationship with God makes me more of an optimistic realist.

Love hopes all things

Just Trust Me

There are so many I want too’s in my life, but it seems as if I don’t really want them enough until moments like this; moments when work was on the verge of awful because you lost your patience and the only thing you seem to have going on in your life is a season of waiting, and a list. I want to work out, I want to play the guitar, I want to cook and bake and take care of a home, weird yes I actually want to clean but because its mine to take care of. I want to run, I want to sing, I want to write. I want to pray and worship with my whole heart, I want to be bold enough to speak my heart and loving enough to do it gracefully, I want to be joyful, live life with purpose and passion, and appreciate what God has done and is doing in every moment that crosses my path. I want to fall madly and passionately in love with the Creator of the world, His Son Jesus (my Savior) and the Holy Spirit; My God.

 

You see when it comes right down to it, I frequently question what it is I want to do with my life, I convince myself that my passions are weak and that I’m lost, that I don’t know what it is that I want. But the truth is, that that list up there is only the beginning of what God sees for me and if I’m lost its because I’m not paying attention or I’m being impatient and can’t see what right in front of my face. Because sometimes when it seems like God isn’t telling you what to do its because what He’s really saying is, “wait here, open your eyes and be faithful with what you see right in front of you, the rest of this stuff that you want is tomorrow, and its not time for that yet so don’t worry, just trust Me.”

Suffers Long or Longsuffering

Today I reached a breaking point; of stress or emotional exhaustion or I don’t even know what except that I broke, it was one of those I can’t do this anymore I think I’ll just sit on my bed a cry moments, so as I prayed/cried I was thinking about love and how all I really want to do I walk in God’s love, be filled to overflowing and constantly giving it out to the people around me, but how, for at least the past few weeks I’ve been continually failing that task.

 

It was in that moment I felt the need to read 1 Corinthians 13, after doing so I decided that I wanted to write about almost everything in the chapter but its too much for one blog and one night so, I’m gonna take it one day at a time.

 

So for today, what stuck out to me was this; one line from verse 4 “Love suffers long and is kind;” I decided to look this up in my concordance because I was thinking that love suffers long was longsuffering and I wanted to know what it said about longsuffering, but what I found was even cooler. You see what I found out was that suffers long and longsuffering are actually two different Greek words; they have the same root and mean pretty much the same thing, in fact the only real difference I could see between the two was the way they were being used, but that is the really cool part, the first word makrothymeō suffers long is used in the being form like to be patient, the second word makrothymia longsuffering is used in the having form simply something you can posses like patience. And I love that this verse uses the being form.

 

After discovering all this really neat info I decided to read the verse again and found one more really awesome insight if you will. Or at least it was a wow discovery to me; because I realized that most of the time while reading this verse I was saying it wrong. Usually when I read it I would say “love is patient, love is kind” but that’s not how it goes at all what it says is love is patient and kind or as my version says love suffers long and is kind, you get it? If not, well that’s okay, what I saw today is that kind is a description of the way that love suffers. Just think about that. Goodnight.