Just Trust Me

There are so many I want too’s in my life, but it seems as if I don’t really want them enough until moments like this; moments when work was on the verge of awful because you lost your patience and the only thing you seem to have going on in your life is a season of waiting, and a list. I want to work out, I want to play the guitar, I want to cook and bake and take care of a home, weird yes I actually want to clean but because its mine to take care of. I want to run, I want to sing, I want to write. I want to pray and worship with my whole heart, I want to be bold enough to speak my heart and loving enough to do it gracefully, I want to be joyful, live life with purpose and passion, and appreciate what God has done and is doing in every moment that crosses my path. I want to fall madly and passionately in love with the Creator of the world, His Son Jesus (my Savior) and the Holy Spirit; My God.

 

You see when it comes right down to it, I frequently question what it is I want to do with my life, I convince myself that my passions are weak and that I’m lost, that I don’t know what it is that I want. But the truth is, that that list up there is only the beginning of what God sees for me and if I’m lost its because I’m not paying attention or I’m being impatient and can’t see what right in front of my face. Because sometimes when it seems like God isn’t telling you what to do its because what He’s really saying is, “wait here, open your eyes and be faithful with what you see right in front of you, the rest of this stuff that you want is tomorrow, and its not time for that yet so don’t worry, just trust Me.”

Suffers Long or Longsuffering

Today I reached a breaking point; of stress or emotional exhaustion or I don’t even know what except that I broke, it was one of those I can’t do this anymore I think I’ll just sit on my bed a cry moments, so as I prayed/cried I was thinking about love and how all I really want to do I walk in God’s love, be filled to overflowing and constantly giving it out to the people around me, but how, for at least the past few weeks I’ve been continually failing that task.

 

It was in that moment I felt the need to read 1 Corinthians 13, after doing so I decided that I wanted to write about almost everything in the chapter but its too much for one blog and one night so, I’m gonna take it one day at a time.

 

So for today, what stuck out to me was this; one line from verse 4 “Love suffers long and is kind;” I decided to look this up in my concordance because I was thinking that love suffers long was longsuffering and I wanted to know what it said about longsuffering, but what I found was even cooler. You see what I found out was that suffers long and longsuffering are actually two different Greek words; they have the same root and mean pretty much the same thing, in fact the only real difference I could see between the two was the way they were being used, but that is the really cool part, the first word makrothymeō suffers long is used in the being form like to be patient, the second word makrothymia longsuffering is used in the having form simply something you can posses like patience. And I love that this verse uses the being form.

 

After discovering all this really neat info I decided to read the verse again and found one more really awesome insight if you will. Or at least it was a wow discovery to me; because I realized that most of the time while reading this verse I was saying it wrong. Usually when I read it I would say “love is patient, love is kind” but that’s not how it goes at all what it says is love is patient and kind or as my version says love suffers long and is kind, you get it? If not, well that’s okay, what I saw today is that kind is a description of the way that love suffers. Just think about that. Goodnight.

All I Need to do is Follow

I’m currently working on a message for youth group Tuesday night about faith and faithfulness; the idea of blind faith and that sometimes all you need is faith in God to guide your steps and everything will be okay. The tricky part is that so far the only point I know I want to convey is that it’s okay to not know where you are going so long as you follow God. And so far I don’t know where I’m going with this message yet except that I’m asking God to guide me. I know if I continue to seek God that He will give me His words and everything will come together in a truly beautiful way, (yeah that’s the faith I want to share)

 

But unfortunately as my sister so poignantly put it a few weeks ago I am naturally a Martha McRae, and this week that seems to have reigned true, I was moody and argumentative, with a general outlook of gloom probably 82% of the time, I slept too much and prayed too little and tried to hard to fix myself by myself because I could see the whole time how terribly wrong I was going; needless to say that did not work so well and by the time I was talking/praying with Amy Thursday night I could feel that I was drained. And then I continued to try and work this message out, and for the past few days I’ve been thinking I really need to work on my message and Tuesday only blank # of days away now and I don’t know what I’m doing yet, and then every time I took the time to work on it I had nothing and I didn’t know where to start.

 

But I do know better than that, because even though I was and am still drained, I know that God will fill me up as I spend time with Him, and I know He will give me His words for His children. This may be a fight, but this, right here right now is me choosing to be more like Mary, this is me seeking that spot at Jesus feet, and asking God to fill me up, prepare me, guide me and remind me that sometimes it’s okay to not know where I am going because He has this whole thing worked out and all I need to do is follow.

Still Thinking About the Boy

I turned 23 yesterday; birthdays are great and a lot of people made me feel really special, but truth be told I don’t feel much different age wise, I mean it’s just one more day and it’s not like all of the sudden I’m a different person because I’m now older, but at the same time being that one number older does make me think about where my life is and where I thought I would have been by this age when I was younger. I mean if you had asked me when I was in high school where I thought I would be when I turned 23 the story I would have laid out for you would not have looked like my life does today, most obvious difference? I thought I would be married by now or at least in a serious relationship leading to marriage. But that’s just not the way things turned out. Don’t get me wrong I’m okay with that most of the time, but what can I say I’m still thinking about the boy, honestly more this week (month) than I have in a long time, because every now and then I wish I were just your average girl who was okay with just dating a guy, but that’s just not how my story goes.

 

You see I made a decision a long time ago that I wouldn’t date, at first it was really just a thought, a feeling that my first boyfriend would probably be the guy I marry, but then over time it became more of a real decision, a decision that I don’t need to date to find my husband, that really I don’t need to “find” him at all. I trust God, His timing is perfect, His plans are perfect, so, I pray, I pray for this guy, the one that God knows and I don’t, my other half, if you want to call him that, not that I find him, but that God prepare us for each other and lead us together in His perfect way. And the thing is I’ve reached the point in this decision where I couldn’t go looking for him if I wanted to, I know I can’t rush it, I’m not desperate and I don’t fear growing old alone. I have done my best on giving this one to God, all that’s left for me to do is wait, and pray and every now and then just run back to God when I start to feel lonely or crushy or just flat out tired of the whole being single thing and when I do He gives me grace to keep waiting. And I know this may sound like a crazy point of view but what can I say that’s just the way I see the world when it comes to me, and dating.

Examples and Life

I feel like I’ve been a really horrible person this past week. Example number one, being lazy; there are many, many things that I really desire to do, the list includes leaning to play the guitar, starting an exercise routine, reading more, writing more and just plain making better use of my time. The unfortunate fact of the matter is that as of late I have not been making any effort to do any of the wonderful things on that list up there, instead I’ve been making excuses to myself and just keep putting them off.

Example number two, being mean. This past week at work was really good, and kind of awful at the same time; I recently started working with a different group of people than I had been up until now, the new group that I now work with is great, I get along better with them, we talk a lot more and in general it’s been more fun, the one downside of our group connecting so well with each other and being able to joke around is that we’re pulling away from our other co-workers and talking about them behind their backs. I know its wrong and the past few days I felt convicted about it but I still couldn’t stop myself from continuing the jokes we started.

Example number three, being offended. Last weekend my mom and I talked over our budget, we’ve been wanting to move for some time now and were discussing what we needed to do to achieve said goal. A few days after our talk we found out our timeline had to be moved up due to circumstances beyond our control, its no big deal we were already trying to find the best option to move and it looks as though God is showing us exactly where we need to be, but if I’m completely honest it did not sit well with me when I heard the words you need to leave asap.

Example number four, being distant. I’ve been trying to pray all week, but all week I’ve felt really far away; like some part of me isn’t all there, my mind is distracted, my heart is out of focus and I just can’t seem to fully enter in. And when I think about the way I’ve been interacting with people it’s the same there too, if you were to ask me how I am, I would probably say “good”, it’s not a lie, but its not the full truth either, I just don’t know the words that need to be said and I don’t feel the pull to fully engage with the world right now.

But the true truth, the point that I’ve reached after writing this today, is that I may have acted horrible but that does not mean that I am a horrible person, rather I am simply a person; a flawed human being, who struggles sometimes and gives in to what we Christians call ‘flesh", but I’m more than that too, I am a child of God, a beloved daughter of the King of kings, I am a beautiful creation of God; fearfully and wonderfully made, I am a follower of Christ redeemed by His blood and nothing that I ever do can separate me from His love. At the end of the day I may still have battles to fight but I know who I am in God and nothing can change what that is.

That Girl

“Want to know where your heart is? Watch where your mind goes when you daydream” one of my friends posted this on her facebook last week and it really made me think so I decided to write about it cause that’s what I do. I daydream more than I would like, and unfortunately the subject of said daydreams is not exactly what I want my heart to be focused on, its nothing bad just not what I would choose to be at the top of my priority list; its no place in particular, no specific adventure, not even a specific person per say, it’s simply an idealistic love story; meeting that one person God has picked out for me, and him telling me exactly what I’ve always wanted to hear. It’s silly really when I think about it, I mean daydreams sure, I want to fall in love no question about that but to say this is where my heart is, I’m not a fan.

 

I don’t want to be that girl, you know, the one who can’t function without the guy, or worse yet, the one who is so focused on finding “the one” she misses out on all the other awesomeness life has to offer. I think I can say for the most part I’m not her; I’m not going crazy looking for my husband; I trust God in that. I don’t need a guy to love me to be loved; God takes care of that one too. But some days, some days I feel like I’m still waiting for my life to start, like so much of my future involves another person I wonder how it is that I can decided where I’m going. On those days I become that girl, and when I think about it I’m not okay with that. I want to change those daydreams because that’s not where I want me heart to be, because when my heart’s there I miss out on all the other awesomeness my life has to offer.

 

So how do I do it; change these daydreams to something better, and stop thinking about the boy? I guess for starters I should decided where it is exactly I want to send my heart; I see a few good options, the top of the list including Guatemala, and other mission trips, music, books, writing and Jesus feet. I think I’ll go with the latter and focus on seeking God’s heart. In Matthew chapter 6 Jesus says not to worry about stuff or what will happen tomorrow (I’m paraphrasing) but to “seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness, and all these things shall be added to you.” You see that’s where I want my heart to reside; I want to be that girl, you know, the one who is so caught up in following God, seeking His truth, and being in a relationship with Him that everyday is new; full of purpose and adventure. That everything is beautiful because God created it, and everyone is valuable because God loves them. And when the guy she has been waiting for enters her life God will still be her number one because it is God who holds her heart. Yeah, that’s more the type of girl I want to be.

Understanding the Battle

This past month has been kind of difficult for me; I was sick or in pain for about three weeks straight and am only just beginning to be over it. With all that sickness I gave myself permission to be lazy, I decided I would spend the afternoon in bed because I was tired, which slowly turned into I don’t want to do anything so I’ll be lazy just because I can, which then became I don’t want to see anybody or talk to anybody and then when I did want to see or talk to someone I had nothing to say because I spent the rest of my time doing nothing.

 I realized a day or two ago that this whole I feel sick so I’m gonna be lazy thing was no longer because I was feeling sick and the honest truth was that I was depressed. I can blame it on my personality type, but the fact is its something I fall into a lot more frequently than I would like, I’m aware of it and God is working me through it and eventually I wont be falling into it anymore (and yes I’m speaking that in faith, and I trust God to bring it to pass and that I will be filled to overflowing with His joy) but right now I’d like to deal with right now. Like I said when I get like that I just go into lazy mode, I don’t want to do anything or see anyone, I’d rather just be alone. When I wake up in the morning I look forward to the next time I get to go to bed. When I’m around people I have nothing to say or want to say , when I’m alone I don’t want to think; or I don’t know what I’m thinking at all, I don’t write because from my perspective my life is dull and boring and there is no story to tell. This is my depression mode, and the awareness of it is my testimony.

 I’ve said it before, admitted that in my past (when I was in high school) I was depressed, back then I didn’t know it, back then I wasn’t in a real true relationship with God. Yes this past month has been hard, yes I distanced myself from people, became as boring as I thought I was and missed out on a lot of joy. But I’m coming out of it now, through all of this I kept seeking God and I feel closer to Him, He is working with me as I walk through this, telling me to seek His joy, appreciate what’s happening now and not worry about what will or wont be happing tomorrow, telling me I’m healed even when it doesn’t feel that way. This past month kinda sucked and I wasted a lot of perfectly good moments, but tonight I can honestly say, after writing all this down I better understand the battle I’ve been fighting and that brings me just that much more joy.