I spend a lot of time thinking about my life, making lists
of all the things I want to do, goals for this year or my one day when, buts that’s
usually about as far as I get, the thinking, and then I start on the beating
myself up for not taking the next steps to do the things I want to do, to be
the person I want to be. I didn’t work out today, I didn’t read my bible, I didn’t
clean my room, I ate that candy bar, I ordered pizza again, I spent too much
money, I lost my temper, I lost my patient, I didn’t talk to her, I should have
done this, I could have done that better, the list goes on and on. And all the beating
myself up makes me think of when Paul wrote to the Romans For the good that I will to do, I do not do; but the evil
I will not to do, that I do. And yeah maybe my “evil” is laziness or
pride, but that is exactly the stuff that holds me back from being the person I
desire to be, the stuff that I always beat myself up for.
And so I read Paul’s soliloquy about doing and not doing,
and being a slave to sin in the flesh and all that jazz, and then I keep reading
from chapter 7 to chapter 8 where he reminds us there
is no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus and I think yeah
that should me, my faith makes me righteous, one who is in Christ. And so all
those thoughts that I beat myself up and condemn myself with are obviously not
truth, just more of the evil that I will not to do; that bit of pride that
tells me I need to be perfect to fulfil some sort of purpose in my life, which
intern drives me back to being lazy or inconsiderate and doing the evil thing
all over again.
So the question now becomes; how can I make my list and
actually do all the things I want to do to be the person that I want to be, and
somehow conquer the laziness without being prideful and somehow conquer the
pride while still achieving all my goals and becoming a “better” person?
And the answer comes at the end of chapter 8 yet in all these things we are more than conquers through
Him who loved us. For I am persuaded that neither death nor life, nor angels
nor principalities nor powers, nor things present nor things to come, nor
height nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us
from the love of God which is in Christ Jesus are Lord. And so the truth
is that God already loves me, that completing my list won’t make Him love me any
more and failing day after day won’t make Him love me any less, that my
laziness or my pride will never separate me from His love, and it is that very
love that gives me the ability to be more than a conquer in my life and
actually do the things I desire to do. simple.
